


The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn

by SlantedKnitting



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Modern Era, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:13:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27804358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlantedKnitting/pseuds/SlantedKnitting
Summary: Arthur thinks he has everything figured out, but then his non-boyfriend breaks up with him, and somehow he ends up at a queer society meeting and gets voluntold to make art for a zine, whatever that is.Soon enough and Arthur is in deep with the society and the committee members, including Merlin, his new friend with benefits. Except they definitely aren't friends, because Arthur is just here for the benefits.
Relationships: Gwen/Morgana (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 41
Kudos: 169
Collections: Merlin Holidays 2020





	The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Polomonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polomonkey/gifts).



> Happy Holidays, Polomonkey! I hope you enjoy this :)
> 
> Thank you to M for the beta.
> 
> Apologies for the Moulin Rouge title!

Arthur thumbed through the recent photos on his mobile, searching out the ones of him and his boyfriend. They’d had a bit of a photoshoot in bed the previous weekend, and there were some really cute ones of the two of them smiling and kissing. There were the less innocent ones, too, but that wasn’t what Arthur was looking for. He was looking for comfort and courage.

He glanced up as his father came into the drawing room holding two glasses of whisky.

“Finest I’ve got,” Uther said, handing off a glass. He sat opposite Arthur, smiling broadly. “Now, what’s this news you’ve got for me?”

From the twinkle in his eye, Arthur knew his father was expecting something fantastic like an academic award or some prestigious internship or maybe a lottery win. He slipped his mobile into his pocket.

“I met someone,” Arthur said, starting off with the easy part.

Uther’s smile widened. “You did? Who is she?”

“She—ah.” Arthur gulped down some whisky. “He lives in my hall.”

He stared down at his glass, letting the news properly sink in. He tried to imagine the look on his father’s face. Confusion? Maybe. Disappointment? Likely. Outrage? Potentially.

The silence stretched on and on, and Arthur downed some more whisky before looking up.

Uther was watching him with an expression he’d never seen before, a sad sort of resigned smile.

“Dad?” Arthur asked.

Uther cleared his throat. “I’m… happy for you. I can’t claim this is exactly a surprise.”

“It’s… not?” Arthur had always been so careful, so secretive, so protective of this part of him.

“No.” Uther took a deep breath and swirled his glass around before knocking most of it back. “Tell me about him.”

“He lives in my hall,” Arthur said again, trying to wrap his mind around what was happening. His father wasn’t kicking him out. He wasn’t even upset. He was… he was being supportive. Arthur smiled, feeling a little giddy. “We met in the lounge, he was watching football.”

Uther’s smile widened. “Of course. What’s his name?”

“Val.”

“And how long has this been going on?”

“Since last spring.”

“Ah. Is that why you kept sneaking off this summer?”

“I… yeah. Yeah, sorry.”

Uther shrugged. “I’m glad you’ve told me now. Although I am curious as to why you decided now was the best time.”

“Well, it’s been about six months, and I figured… maybe… if you weren’t opposed to the idea, maybe you could meet him.”

“I would like that.”

Arthur grinned and finished off his whisky, feeling warm and happy in a way he hadn’t been prepared for. He had pictured this night going so many ways, but he had never imagined such an easy acceptance. He almost wished he’d come out years ago and saved himself all the angst.

“Now,” Uther said, drawing Arthur’s attention back to him, “how are your classes going?”

And just like that, the conversation moved on, natural and uncomplicated.

~~~~~

When Arthur got back to his uni hall at the end of the weekend, he stopped briefly at his room to drop off his bag, and then he headed towards Val’s, sending a text when he was already on his way.

**_You home?_ **

The response only came when he was right outside the door.

**Yeah, you back from London?**

Arthur knocked on the door, and it opened a second later.

Val was on the other side, shirtless and smiling.

“Hey,” he said, stepping aside so Arthur could come in. “How was your trip?”

“So fucking good.” Arthur waited for Val to close the door before he went in for a hug. “Missed you.”

“When did you get back?”

“Just now. I told my dad about us.”

Val sat on the edge of his bed and looked up at Arthur with a slightly confused expression. “Why’d you do that?”

“Because I… because I wanted to. Because I was sick of hiding. Because I thought it would be nice if you two met.”

“Why would I want to meet your father?”

“Because…” Arthur was starting to feel very lost. He was tired from the train back up, maybe he wasn’t saying the right things. Val didn’t seem to understand what was going on. “I came out to him,” he said, trying to give some context. “You’re both important to me. He’s my dad, and you’re my boyfriend, and I thought—”

“I’m not your boyfriend,” Val said, frowning.

“Well—” Arthur paused. It was true that he’d never explicitly asked Val to be his boyfriend, but he thought it was implied. They spent practically all their time together. They had sex constantly. If that wasn’t them acting as boyfriends, he didn’t know what would be.

“We never had that conversation,” Val said. “And if we had, I wouldn’t have agreed to it.”

Heat rushed through Arthur’s spent body. “What?” he asked feebly.

“Look, I don’t know why you decided to come out to your dad because of me, but if you’d bothered to ask me about it beforehand, I would have told you not to.”

Arthur stared at him, rethinking all of their conversations over the past few weeks and months, trying to orientate himself in their current discussion.

Val yawned. “So, did you want to fuck, or…”

“What?” Arthur felt like he was losing it. “No, I don’t want to fuck, we’re in the middle of a conversation. You’ve just very bluntly told me that you’re _not_ my boyfriend.”

Val held up his hands. “Okay, you don’t have to shout.”

“I—” Arthur shook his head and went to Val’s bathroom to splash water on his face. His hands were shaking. He felt weak, hollow.

“Listen,” Val said, and Arthur looked up from the sink to see him standing in the doorway to the bathroom. “I don’t know what you thought was between us, but you can’t just assume someone’s your boyfriend, yeah? I don’t do that kind of thing. I thought you knew that.”

“How on earth would I know that?”

Val gave a guilty smile. “Guess we’re both a bit lacking in the communication department.”

Arthur sighed and pushed his way past Val and back out into the room. “So, this isn’t anything to you?” he asked, gesturing between them. “The past six months have been nothing?”

“It’s been good sex,” Val said. “Good company. But… that’s all.”

He didn’t seem especially sorry.

Arthur stood there, trying to think of something to say, but in the end there was nothing. He was an idiot, and Val was a tosser, and this was the end of things.

“Do you want to stay the night?” Val asked.

“Absolutely not.” Arthur went to the door and let himself back into the corridor. “Don’t text me,” he muttered before walking away.

~~~~~

When Arthur got back to his room, he sprawled out on his bed, stared up at the ceiling, and tried to think of something pleasant.

He couldn’t come up with anything. The weekend with his dad had been so nice, so _good_ , and now there was just this dark cloud hanging over the whole thing.

He took out his mobile and started deleting the pictures of him and Val, and when that got to be too depressing, his broke out his whisky stash and started drinking.

Val didn’t care about him at all. Arthur was a fool. He’d thought they were happy together. He’d thought there were real emotions behind all the sex. He’d thought he meant something to Val, the same way Val meant something to him.

He’d been desperately wrong.

The whisky finally kicked in, and Arthur went back to deleting photos off his mobile. He deleted his text conversation with Val. He even deleted Val’s number so he wouldn’t be tempted.

Then he grabbed his jacket and headed out. He walked for twenty minutes, continuing to drink out of the bottle he’d brought with him, until he came to his cousin’s hall. Someone was coming out just as he arrived, and he jogged to the door, sneaking in just before it shut.

The lights inside were unpleasantly bright after being out in the dark night, and Arthur squinted around. His cousin lived on the first floor, to the right. He found a set of stairs and went up, stopping on the mid-story landing for another sip of whisky.

He only managed to find the right room because of all the ridiculous decorations on the door. Flags, photographs, signs, stickers—it was a mess.

Arthur knocked, and Morgana opened the door. She didn’t look happy to see him.

“How did you get in?” she asked.

“Cunning wit.”

She rolled her eyes and stepped aside, letting him in. Her girlfriend, Gwen, was sitting on her bed, Morgana’s laptop next to her.

“I’m interrupting,” Arthur said, realising he was lucky they weren’t undressed.

“We were just watching a film,” Gwen said.

“Sounds nice,” Arthur muttered, thinking that he had never watched a film with Val. They’d only ever fucked. A lot. And Arthur had read way too much into it.

He sat himself at Morgana’s desk and set the bottle down on it.

“Is there some reason you’re here this late?” Morgana asked. “And drunk?”

“Val and I broke up.”

“Well, no loss there,” Morgana said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Morgana shook her head and sat on the bed next to Gwen. “How can we help?”

Arthur snorted. “There is no help.”

“You’re a very melancholic drunk.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

Morgana turned to Gwen. “Can you find us some food? I think Arthur needs a midnight snack.”

Gwen scooted off the bed and, giving Arthur a pat on the shoulder, left to hunt down sustenance.

“Are you going to be okay?” Morgana asked when they were alone.

“I don’t know.”

Morgana didn’t seem to have anything to say to that, so Arthur went back to his whisky.

“Why were you with Val?” she finally asked.

“I thought I liked him,” Arthur said miserably. “I thought he liked me.”

“Seemed more like you were together because you were both there in front of each other.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you never bothered looking around to see if there was anyone better.”

“Like who?”

“Like almost anyone else. What did you have in common?”

“He likes football,” Arthur said through clenched teeth, realising how pathetic that sounded.

“There is much more to life than football, believe it or not.”

Arthur scrubbed his hands over his face. He was exhausted. He felt warm and slow, and he didn’t relish the thought of having to walk back to his own hall.

Gwen returned with a bag of crisps, and Arthur ate a few handfuls while she and Morgana discussed something in quiet tones.

“I can hear you, you know,” he said even though he couldn’t, not over the sound of his own chewing.

Morgana took the bag from him and ate a few crisps. “I’m sorry about Val,” she said. “He’s a miserable bean, and you deserve better.”

“He’s not a bean,” Arthur muttered.

“He’s like a mouldy, wrinkly bean you find under the fridge.”

Arthur couldn’t find it in himself to laugh.

“Look,” Morgana said, “I want you to come to AQ+ tomorrow.”

“Am I supposed to know what that is?”

“Albion Queer+. It’s the society I chair,” Morgana said. “Do you ever listen when I talk?”

“Sometimes.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. There’s good people there, people who are out, people who are nice and who won’t jerk you around like Val. You’ll like it, I promise.”

Arthur pouted. “I don’t need some support group.”

“We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one.” She handed the crisps back. “I suppose you’d like to spend the night here?”

“That sounds much more tempting than going back to my own room.”

“Right. I’m going to sleep at Gwen’s,” Morgana said, getting up and pulling Gwen with her. “Don’t puke in my bed.”

“Not going to puke,” Arthur said.

“Good.” Morgana leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. “You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Arthur didn’t believe her.

Gwen leaned down to give him a hug. “I’m sorry you’re having a rough time.”

“Thanks,” Arthur muttered.

He watched as they collected their things and left, and then he was alone.

He finished all the crisps and kicked off his shoes before putting out the lights and crawling into Morgana’s bed. Her sheets were soft, and the pillow smelled sort of flowery, and he drifted off quickly.

~~~~~

Arthur woke up the next morning feeling distinctly not better. His stomach felt uneasy, his head was pounding, and he was uncomfortable from sleeping in a bed that wasn’t his own. Or Val’s.

He didn’t have time to dwell, though, because his mobile was ringing.

“Yeah,” he answered, resting the mobile on the pillow next to his head.

“Finally. I’ve called you four times,” Morgana said.

“I was _sleeping_.”

“It’s nearly 11.”

Arthur groaned and forced himself to sit up. He picked up his mobile and held it to his ear. “Well, I’m up now.”

“Good. I’ll be there in five.”

Arthur decided not to wait around. He put on his shoes, grabbed his mostly empty bottle of whisky, and started the long trek back to his own hall.

Everyone he passed along the way looked annoyingly awake and happy, like things hadn’t gone to shit the night before for anyone else. People kept smiling at him like it was some sort of nice day.

Arthur hated them all. They had all probably had perfectly nice evenings with their friends, their boyfriends and girlfriends, their nice social circles. Arthur had lost all that in one fell swoop. He didn’t ever want to see Val again, but that meant avoiding his usual group. He had fallen in with Val’s footie-obsessed friends, had made real connections with them, but now he had to give that up.

He made it back to his room and immediately stripped to take a shower. The hot water helped him feel more awake, but it did nothing to soothe his headache or the empty pit in his stomach.

He wanted to hide in his room all day, ignoring the world and letting himself drown in self-pity.

But he needed to eat, and he was fresh out of anything that sounded even vaguely appetising. So, Arthur finished his shower and got dressed before heading out to find food.

He went to his favourite cafe a few streets over from his hall and ordered a massive omelette with a heaping side of greasy potatoes. It looked marvellous, and he ate it quicker than he should have, shoving in mouthful after mouthful, desperate to feel something close to normal.

Afterwards he drank his tea, watching the other patrons enjoying their lunches. Everyone looked like they were having a pleasant time, and Arthur found that he didn’t hate that idea as much as he’d done that morning. Maybe he could still appreciate some things in life—like eggs.

Morgana phoned him again as he was on his way back to his hall.

“Did I leave something in your room?” he asked.

“No, I wanted to tell you where AQ+ is meeting,” she said.

“What’s that?”

“Do you literally just turn your ears off whenever I open my mouth?”

“Hm?” Arthur asked, grinning.

“Funny. Look, we’re meeting in the Student Union Lounge at 8, will you come?”

Arthur frowned up at the sky. “I don’t know. What goes on at these meetings?”

“Well, right now we’re working on putting together a zine.”

“The fuck’s a zine?”

“Magazine. Jesus, you’re sheltered. You’re coming.”

“I’m not—”

“You’re coming,” she said again, with finality, and then she hung up.

Arthur rolled his eyes and continued back to his room.

~~~~~

_**I’m outside the lounge. Now what?** _

Arthur loitered near a bulletin board, one hand clutched around his mobile. He couldn’t believe he’d actually showed up. He’d never been to a gay event in his life. He knew and was comfortable around other gay people, but he didn’t really get the appeal of a whole society dedicated to it.

“Psst.”

Arthur looked up to see Morgana sticking her head out of the lounge door.

“You actually came,” she said, grinning.

“I…”

“Come along.” She opened the door and ushered him inside.

Arthur was surprised at the amount of people there. For some reason he’d expected something small, maybe Morgana, Gwen, and a handful of other weirdos, but there were at least 20, maybe even 30 people in the room.

“This is my cousin,” Morgana announced, and the entire group turned to look at them, “Arthur.”

Arthur gave a wave as everyone greeted him. He had no idea what he was doing here. At quick glance, he didn’t recognise anyone in the room apart from Morgana and Gwen, and everyone was looking at him curiously, interested in the newcomer.

“Take a seat,” Morgana said, and Arthur peered around the room a few times. There were some sofas, some armchairs, some small tables, but everything looked occupied.

He shuffled around the edge of the room and leaned against a windowsill at the back. Maybe everyone would forget he was there if he stayed hidden enough.

“Why don’t we go around and introduce ourselves since we have someone new,” Morgana said, and Arthur’s hopes of hiding vanished. “Names, pronouns, whatever else you want to share. I’ll start. I’m Morgana, I’m the chair for AQ+, my pronouns are she/her, and lately I’ve been thinking of shaving half my head. Who’s next?”

She gestured at the left side of the room, where Gwen was sitting, and Gwen perked up immediately.

“I’m Gwen,” she said. “She/her. I’m studying English, and I think Morgana should shave half her head.”

The introductions continued, and Arthur did his best to keep up. There was Sophia who said she was a witch, and she was sitting next to Vivian who, if their hand-holding was anything to go by, was probably her girlfriend. There was Gwaine who had hair that could only be described as luscious, Elena who said she was trans, and Merlin who was heading up the zine efforts.

After that, Arthur got a bit lost in the constant stating of names and various factoids. His eyes kept drifting back over to Merlin, who was sitting cross-legged in an armchair, notebook open on his lap. He had really nice lips. And cheekbones for days.

Not that Arthur was looking for anything. He had only just gotten out of a relationship. Not that it had really been a relationship. It wasn’t like he had much recovering to do, at least. Any and all feelings he’d had for Val had vanished the night before.

But still. Arthur wasn’t here to find anything. He wasn’t going to hook up with someone from the gay club. He wasn’t that much of a cliché.

But if he _were_ to do that, Merlin would be an excellent candidate.

“Arthur?” Morgana prompted, and Arthur realised it was his turn to speak.

“Sorry. I’m Arthur. Um… oh, yeah, he/him, and I’m reading law.”

The next student went on with the introductions, and Arthur zoned out again, wondering why he was here. Everyone seemed nice, but it wasn’t like he was going to blurt out what had happened with Val and ask for sympathy from a bunch of strangers.

When the last person had finally had their say, Morgana kicked off the meeting by asking if anyone had any more ideas for contributions to the zine.

A few people piped up. Sophia wanted to write up a queer tarot reading, Gwaine proposed for there to be boudoir photos, and someone else said they could write some poems for it.

“And I’m still looking for an artist to illustrate my consent guide,” Merlin said.

Morgana’s whole face lit up, and Arthur wanted to shrink into the wall. “Arthur can do it,” she said. “He’s really good.”

Merlin glanced around at him, and Arthur forced a smile. “I’m not that good.”

“Oh, fuck off, you’re fantastic,” Morgana said, and few people chuckled. “You’ll do great. Anyway, everyone else can check-in with Merlin at the end of the meeting, but next I wanted to talk about what the hell we’re going to do about the fact that the new science building they’re constructing doesn’t have any gender neutral bathrooms planned.”

That started off a new discussion, and Arthur pulled out his mobile to check the time. He had no idea how long a meeting like this normally went on for. He’d already been here for nearly half an hour, and all he’d gotten out of it was being roped into doing some drawings.

He _could_ draw, he just preferred to keep his art to himself.

At least, he did now. He’d wanted very badly to go to art school to hone his craft, but his father had little tolerance for that sort of thing. They’d fought about it for ages, but eventually Uther had won, convincing Arthur there was no career path in art and guilting him into studying law, just like Uther had done.

Now Arthur just doodled all over his lecture notes and kept notebooks full of sketches hidden in his room. He’d never even shown Val any of his art.

Eventually, after a lively discussion about some foreign film Arthur had never even heard of, the meeting ended. People started standing and collecting their things, and Arthur pushed off the windowsill to stretch.

“What did you think?” Morgana asked as she approached him.

“About what?”

“The meeting. The society. Life outside your little bubble. Any revelations?”

“These meetings should be shorter. My arse hurts.”

“If you’d got here earlier, you could have had a chair like a normal person,” she said. “I’m glad you came. Don’t forget to talk to Merlin about the zine.”

“Yeah, thanks for that,” Arthur said.

Morgana’s grin said she knew very well that he was not actually thanking her. “You’re welcome.”

She went back over to Gwen, and Arthur watched as they lingered and mingled with the students who hadn’t yet left. Arthur thought about making his escape, zine be damned, but then Merlin got up from his chair and came over to him.

“Hey,” he said, holding out his hand. “I’m Merlin.”

“Arthur.”

“So, you can draw?” Merlin asked. His eyes were bright, blue and dreamy.

“I—yeah, I guess. I’ve never done anything like this before, though.”

“That’s fine. Do you want to meet sometime so I can show you what I have, and we can figure out what you can do for it?”

“What’s this for again?” Arthur asked.

“My consent guide.”

“Consent,” Arthur repeated blankly.

Merlin frowned. “Do you… know what consent is?”

“Yes,” Arthur said. “Just didn’t realise it needed a whole guide.”

There was a pause, and it looked like Merlin was having second thoughts about Arthur’s involvement in his project. “Well, now you know, I guess. So, do you want to meet, or…?”

“Sure.”

“Tomorrow?” Merlin asked, taking out his mobile. “We could meet at the Albion Cafe for lunch.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll text you when I wake up tomorrow and we can figure out a time. What’s your number?”

Arthur gave it, watching Merlin typing it into his mobile with his long, thin fingers. He had sort of enticing hands.

“All right. I’ll text you tomorrow,” Merlin said before turning and going back to his chair to get his notebook.

Arthur looked around and saw that almost everyone had already left, including Morgana and Gwen. He hurried out, leaving Merlin behind, and went back to his hall.

It had been a very strange and out-of-character evening, and he needed a large cup of coffee so he could spend his night not dwelling on it and catching up on some reading he had to do.

~~~~~

Arthur spent the next morning nervously doodling in the margins of an article he’d printed and was supposed to be reading. He kept checking his mobile, waiting for Merlin to text him, but it was taking ages for Merlin to wake up. Or maybe he’d forgot. Maybe that would be for the best. Arthur _really_ didn’t know what he was doing. After some proper sleep, the whole of yesterday seemed like a bizarre dream. He’d actually gone to Morgana’s gay club, and he’d actually agreed to do some art for a _consent guide_ in a _zine_. What was happening?

Finally, after Arthur had drawn more dragons than he knew was probably sane, his mobile buzzed with a text from an unknown number.

**Hey, it’s Merlin. Want to meet in like an hour?**

**_Did you just wake up?_ **

**Had a late night. Do you want to meet or not?**

**_Fine_ **

Arthur tossed his mobile onto his bed and tried to get back to his reading.

When close to an hour had passed, he collected his current sketchbook from its hiding place and, damning Morgana, headed out for the cafe.

It was crowded, and Arthur loitered near the door, scanning the seating area and trying to spot if Merlin was already there. He checked his mobile to see if maybe Merlin had sent him a text of his location, but there was nothing. He considered phoning Merlin, but decided that should be a last resort.

Finally, on what felt like his tenth pass over the room, he spotted Merlin standing near a table in the back corner. There was another student with him.

Clenching his sketchbook, he started towards them.

They hugged as Arthur approached, and he paused in his trek, glancing away to give them a moment of privacy. It must be Merlin’s boyfriend. Maybe he was the reason Merlin had been up so late.

When he looked back over, the other student was walking away, and Merlin was sitting down. He already had his lunch laid out in front of him. He looked up, and his face lit up at the sight of Arthur.

“You made it,” he said, smiling. He was pretty when his smiled, lips stretched wide and eyes all crinkly.

“You didn’t think I would?” Arthur asked.

“You’re a little hard to read.”

“Hm.” Arthur set his sketchbook on the table. “Mind if I go grab some food?”

“Not at all.”

Arthur took off again, winding his way through the tables to get up to the counter. When he came back to the table with his lunch, Merlin was flipping through his sketchbook.

Heat flared in Arthur’s stomach at the sight.

“Sorry,” Merlin said, not sounding especially sorry as he handed the sketchbook back over. “You’re very good.”

“Thanks,” Arthur muttered. He wondered, for the thousandth time, why on earth he was doing this.

Merlin went back to his lunch, so Arthur started in on his sandwich, and they ate in silence. It gave Arthur plenty of time to get in the weeds with his regret over this entire situation. He should be off reading or at least procrastinating and enjoying the nice day, but here was here instead, with someone he barely knew, doing something totally bizarre.

“Well,” Merlin finally said, pushing his plate to the side, “shall we get into it?”

“I guess.”

Merlin pulled his laptop out of his bag and opened up a document. He handed the laptop over.

“Might help if you read through what I’ve got first. Then we can brainstorm how to illustrate it.”

Arthur scrolled quickly through the document, a little dismayed at how long it was. He went back up to the top and started at the beginning.

It was very thorough. It covered what consent was, when and how to ask for it, various phrases to get and give consent, how drugs and alcohol came into play, and what to do if something nonconsensual happened. There were a lot of notes in the margin of the document, little scenes of dialogue Merlin had written, presumably what he wanted drawn for the guide.

Arthur read through it all, trying to put it into context in his own life. He didn’t think he’d ever asked so explicitly for consent from someone. Certainly no one had ever asked it so explicitly of him. Nothing had ever happened that he hadn’t wanted, although he supposed he had been lucky.

“What do you think?” Merlin asked.

“It’s, um… yeah. It’s good. It’s interesting.”

“It’s supposed to be informative.”

“It is,” Arthur said. Merlin didn’t say anything after that, so Arthur asked, “Are these comments on the side what you want illustrated?”

“Maybe not all of them, that would probably be a lot. I just wanted some scenes drawn out for people, to see, like, how a conversation might go.”

“I think I can do that.”

“I really want it to be representative, though,” Merlin said. “Like, different kinds of couples, different types of bodies. Or… maybe it’s better if it’s not humans at all? I’m not sure.”

“What, like robots?”

“Maybe. Something like that.”

Arthur flipped through his sketchbook, trying to think. “What about animals?” he asked.

“Yeah? I saw you like dragons.”

Arthur turned to a page where he’d drawn several dragons. “Maybe the different scenes could be different animals, to show, like… diversity? Maybe that’s stupid.”

“No,” Merlin said, leaning forward. “I like that idea.” He started listing off different kinds of animals Arthur could draw, and Arthur got a little lost in it, watching Merlin’s hands fly as he spoke. He was so passionate about this project, and he was talking so animatedly, and he looked so happy—and so attractive because of it. Arthur couldn’t help but be drawn in by him.

“—maybe swans,” he finished, giving Arthur an expectant look.

Arthur nodded even though he wasn’t sure what he was agreeing with.

“So, now what?” Merlin asked. “Do you want to sketch something now, or I can send you the guide and you can start working on it not in the middle of the cafe.”

“That might be preferable,” Arthur said, even though now he was here and getting into it, he found he didn’t really want to leave. Merlin was engaging and pretty, and Arthur was starting to appreciate having to spend this time with him.

“Okay. I should mention, the zine is probably just going to be in black and white. Is that okay?”

“That’s much easier than trying to figure out colouring, so yes.”

Merlin grinned. “Great. Then, um… I guess that’s it. Can I have your email? I can send you the guide.” He slipped his laptop back into his bag, and Arthur ripped out a page of his sketchbook and wrote down his email. “Thanks for meeting with me. I know Morgana kind of put you up to it.”

“It’s fine,” Arthur said, and he meant it. “I’ll let you know when I have something to show you, I guess.”

“Sounds good. I have to run and meet someone. Do you need anything else from me?”

Arthur shook his head, imagining that Merlin was going to meet back up with his boyfriend. He didn’t exactly relish the thought.

“I’ll see you around then.” Merlin flashed another grin before getting up and leaving Arthur alone in the cafe.

Arthur turned page after page in his sketchbook, his mind whirring with ideas for illustrations for Merlin’s consent guide. He found that he was glad to be part of something like this, something that would hopefully do people some good, something that might matter to someone. All his art was so usually private, so tucked away most of the time, that was actually excited at the prospect of getting to share it so publicly. Maybe his name would even be in the zine.

He got up to throw out his trash and head back to his room to prepare for his afternoon classes.

~~~~~

Arthur spent the evening working on sketches for Merlin’s consent guide, avoiding his reading and actual responsibilities in favour of getting to draw with a real purpose. He drew different animals—tigers, hedgehogs, snakes, ants, guinea pigs, wolves, pandas. He indulged and illustrated a scene with dragons. He even managed swans, per Merlin’s suggestion. He drew until his body ached from the poor posture and grip on the pen, and then he drew some more.

When it was well past dinner time and then sun had gone down, Arthur finally allowed himself a break. He took photos of everything he’d drawn and emailed them to Merlin to see what he thought. He hoped Merlin would like what he’d done.

After he sent the email, he flopped down on his bed to give his back a break and scrolled through social media on his mobile. There wasn’t anything that interesting, just the usual posts from his friends about what they’d been up to.

Except, they were really more Val’s friends than his.

He unfollowed most of them. He didn’t need that constant reminder of everything he’d lost now that things things had gone south with Val.

Then he got a text message from Morgana.

**How’d it go?**

**_How’d what go?_ **

**Merlin told me you met up to work on the zine**

Arthur phoned her, not wanting to bother with typing.

“So,” she answered, “how was it?”

“It was fine.”

“Just fine?”

“Were you expecting me to say it was life changing?”

“Maybe a little.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “We had lunch and talked about the zine, it was really never going to be earth-shattering stuff.”

“But you’re doing it, right?”

“Doing what?”

“Drawing for his consent guide?”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I’ve gotten started on some sketches. I sent them over to see what he thinks.”

“I’m sure he’ll be very pleased.”

“We’ll find out, I guess.”

“You know how talented you are.”

Arthur just stared up at his ceiling. He didn’t actually think he was all that good at art. He just did it because he enjoyed it.

“Whatever,” Morgana said when he didn’t respond. “I’m sure Merlin will be thrilled with whatever you’ve come up with.”

“Cheers. What are you doing tonight?”

“Just got back from dinner with Gwen. I’d invite you over, but…”

“Gross.”

Morgana chuckled. “I’ll let you go.”

“Please.”

“Don’t let the radically gay bed bugs bite.”

“What?” Arthur asked. When Morgana didn’t say anything else, he checked his mobile and saw that she’d hung up.

Arthur shook his head and set up, stretching out his back before setting out to find food.

~~~~~

Arthur checked his email first thing the next morning and found that Merlin had responded late the night before.

_Arthur,_

_These are excellent! I love them. The one with the swans is perfect. Let’s meet back up tomorrow if you’re available and we can figure out which ones we want to keep for the guide._

_Thanks!_

Trying not to smile to himself, Arthur sent off a text to Merlin to see if he was awake, but he didn’t get a response. Maybe he’d had another late night with his boyfriend.

Arthur decided to put it out of his head and get on with his day. He went for a run, took a shower, and had a late breakfast. He sat through a lecture, made his way back to his room, and even got started on his reading, but then his mobile finally buzzed with a new message.

**Hey! I’m up. Fancy another lunch?**

**_Sure, when?_ **

**Half an hour**

Arthur finished up an article he had to read and then went off to the cafe where he found Merlin sitting near the back again. He was alone this time, and he waved as Arthur approached.

“Hey,” he said, grinning. Arthur noted again how his eyes crinkled around the edges when he smiled that widely. “Should we grab some food first?”

Arthur set his jacket on the back of his chair and let Merlin lead the way up to the counter. He ordered the same thing he’d had the day before and made it back to the table before Merlin.

He took out his mobile while he waited, swiping through the photos he’d taken of his art the night before. Now that he wasn’t actively working on the sketches, he didn’t like them as much. He knew they were only drafts, but he couldn’t help but see all the issues with them. Unsure, unsteady lines. Poor perspective. Too cartoonish.

“So, Morgana wasn’t wrong,” Merlin said as he sat back down.

“What?”

“When she said you’re fantastic.”

“Oh,” Arthur said, feeling a little hot. “Um…”

“Your art, I mean.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Thank _you_. Seriously, this whole thing is going to be so much better once it has art to accompany it.”

“Happy to help.”

“Are you interested in photography at all?” Merlin asked.

“Oh,” Arthur said, surprised. “I mean, I’m a fan, but I can’t say I’m particularly good at it myself.”

“Oh, me neither.” Merlin smiled. “But I have some photography zines if you’d be interested in checking those out.”

“Are zines, like… your thing?”

Merlin smiled again. “Compared to everyone else, I guess. I just find them really cool and interesting. And informative, usually. And fun to collect.”

“To be honest, I’d never heard of zines until Morgana mentioned the society was working on one. I’m not exactly familiar.”

“I’d be happy to introduce you. You should come back to my room after this, I can show you the photography ones. You can borrow some, if you like.”

The offer was so casual, so earnest, that Arthur found himself agreeing. “Yeah,” he said. “That’d be great.”

“Great.” Merlin flashed him a smile and then dug into his lunch.

~~~~~

Merlin’s room was small and cluttered and sort of homey. There were books and little leaflets—zines, probably—everywhere, and clothes and towels strewn about, and the bed was unmade. There were posters on the walls, prints of various paintings and what looked like a puzzle that had been glued together and hung up. There were smaller things, too, postcards and photographs. It had and air of cultivation to it, like it looked exactly how Merlin wanted it to.

Arthur went over to one of the bookshelves and started glancing through titles. There were philosophy books, economic texts, histories, and then a bunch of books on gender and sexuality.

“What are you studying?” Arthur asked. He kept checking the author names on the spines, but he didn’t really recognise any of them besides the major classic philosophers.

“Sociology. You’re doing law, right??”

“Yeah.”

“Sounds fun.”

Arthur didn’t know Merlin well enough to read his tone, so he ignored the comment and moved on to another shelf. This one was seemingly all zines, and he had to pull them off the shelf to see their titles. Most of them seemed to be about gender and sexuality, with feminism, anti-capitalism, and DIYs thrown into the mix.

“Here,” Merlin said, and Arthur turned around to see him holding out a zine.

Arthur took it and leafed through it. It looked like a photo record of the artist’s sexual history. He hadn’t been quite prepared to see so much skin.

“Do you know the people who make all these?” he asked, turning the zine to get a better look at a two-page spread.

“Some of them. I know that guy.”

“Are you… in this?” Arthur asked, eyes glued to an image of a naked man.

“No,” Merlin said with a chuckle. “I didn’t know him like that.”

Arthur closed the zine and handed it back. “It’s, uh… cool, I guess.”

“Probably should have started you off with something less extreme. The rest are depressing though, like photos of poverty or addiction. There’s one I’m dying to get my hands on that’s just abandoned houses with a list of items found inside, but it’s hard to come by.”

“Sounds… interesting,” Arthur lied.

Merlin gave him an indulgent smile. “I’m afraid the zine world is a little more outside of the box than your law lectures probably are.”

“I’m getting that impression.”

“You might like this one,” Merlin said, coming over to the shelf and pulling out a zine. “It’s about criminal justice. Most of it written by people who were incarcerated at some point.”

“Oh.” Arthur took the zine. “Thanks.”

“Or is that not the kind of law you’re studying?”

“I’m studying everything,” Arthur said. “Although, I think…” He paused. He never talked about this, even to people he was close to. “I really liked my Human Rights Law paper last year. I’ve been thinking about maybe getting into, like, immigration law, helping refugees or whatever. Not exactly what my father has in mind for me, but…”

“That sounds really worthwhile,” Merlin said.

“Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.” Arthur flipped through the zine he was holding for something to do.

“You can borrow that if you like,” Merlin said. “You can borrow any of them.”

“Thanks.” Arthur cleared his throat. “Thanks for inviting me over. I… I should probably head back to my hall and try to get some work done.”

“You didn’t want to want to work on the consent guide?”

“Oh, right.” Arthur looked up and tried not to notice how close Merlin was standing or how Merlin was looking at him. “Um.”

Merlin’s mobile beeped, and he took a step back as he pulled it out of his pocket. “I have class in twenty minutes,” he said. “Nearly forgot.”

“You set alarms for your classes?”

Merlin shrugged. “Do you want to borrow that?” he asked, gesturing at the zine in Arthur’s hands.

Arthur didn’t want to be impolite, so he nodded. Merlin grinned and started pulling more zines off his shelf, piling them up before handing Arthur a not insubstantial stack.

“Thanks,” Arthur said, glancing at the title of the top one. It looked to be about housing inequalities for queer people.

“You can keep them as long as you want. Let me know if you like any of them, I’ve got plenty more if you don’t.”

Arthur nodded. “Thanks,” he said again.

“No problem.” Merlin moved over to his desk and started packing notebooks into his bag. “Do you want to try to get together another time to talk about your art for the guide?”

“Yeah, just text me. I have to run. Thanks for having me over.” He opened the door and looked back over his shoulder to see Merlin giving him a wave. “Bye.”

He hurried out of Merlin’s hall and back toward his own, one hand clenched around the heap of zines Merlin had given him. That had been yet another strange, out-of-character interaction for him. Merlin was so friendly, but he was so very different than any friend Arthur had ever had before. He made Arthur feel so wrong-footed. Not to mention the way he looked at Arthur, so open and expectant and sort of… well. If Arthur wasn’t sure Merlin had a boyfriend, he would have said Merlin was flirting with him. Maybe they were in an open relationship, but Arthur was pretty sure he wasn’t into that.

When he reached his room, he set the zines down on his desk and hid in his reading for the rest of the afternoon.

~~~~~

Arthur went through several days as normal, going to lectures and doing his readings. He even managed to watch some football, albeit alone, which wasn’t as nearly fun as watching with Val and his friends. He avoided his sketchbooks and the zines on his desk, and he almost managed to forget all about the consent guide.

That was, until Merlin finally texted him Saturday afternoon to ask if he wanted to come over.

In truth, Arthur wasn’t sure if he wanted to, but he knew he should. He knew he should put aside the strange sexual tension between them and the fact that he had no idea what he was doing with this zine business.

He agreed to meet at Merlin’s at 2pm, and then he grabbed a random zine from the middle of the pile and started reading it so he’d have something to say when Merlin inevitably asked if he’d read any of them.

It turned out to be mostly poems, plus some short stories and photographs, all by people of colour who had been born in the UK but whose parents were immigrants. It was sort of fascinating work, even though Arthur didn’t really understand the poetry, and he was fully engrossed by the last page.

He still had more time after that, so he grabbed another zine, the one about criminal justice, and managed to read through most of it before he had to leave to get to Merlin’s.

Merlin’s room was slightly tidier this time. The bed was made, at least, and the towels were hung up properly, and there weren’t too many clothes on the floor.

“Hey,” Merlin said, and he seemed to be very pleased to see Arthur. “How are you?”

“I’m good. Here.” Arthur handed over the two zines he’d read. “I finished these ones.”

“Did you like them?” Merlin asked, clearly excited.

“I did, actually. They’re a lot more interesting than my lecture notes, I’ll tell you that much.”

Merlin grinned. “Good.” He looked at Arthur for a long moment, and Arthur felt frozen under his gaze. His eyes were so blue, and his lips were so full, and Arthur was warm all over. “So,” he said suddenly, taking a step back, “let’s get to work, yeah?”

Arthur nodded and watched as Merlin sat on his bed with his laptop. Arthur sat next to him, and they spent a while comparing the guide to Arthur’s sketches and deciding which animals should be used for which scenes of dialogue.

“That’s probably too many, to be honest,” Merlin said after they had everything assigned. “But I don’t want to cut any of your stuff out. How do you want to do the dialogue? I’m kind of okay-ish at Photoshop, I could probably stick some speech bubbles onto your drawings.”

“I can do that,” Arthur said. “I need to re-do all of them anyway.”

“What, why?”

“These were just sketches.”

“They look good to me,” Merlin said.

Arthur couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks. But… they don’t look good to me. I want to fix them up, and I can add the speech bubbles. Then I can scan them properly instead of taking photos on my mobile, they’ll be much higher quality that way.”

Merlin nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

They fell into silence, and Arthur realised that their collaboration was coming to an end. After Arthur made the final drawings and emailed them to Merlin, they probably wouldn’t need to meet again. Merlin would just format his guide with the art, and that would be that.

“Do you want to get milkshakes?” Merlin asked suddenly.

“Oh,” Arthur said. “It’s a bit cold for that, isn’t it?”

“Never too cold for milkshakes. They haven’t stopped selling them, at least.”

“Fair point.”

Merlin scooted off his bed and held out his hands to help Arthur up, which left them standing far too close to each other for a moment until Merlin stepped back.

They headed to the cafe, not really talking as they walked, and ordered milkshakes at the counter. Merlin got chocolate, and Arthur strawberry.

“I never really got into strawberry ice cream,” Merlin said as they waited for their orders. “I always get too distracted by chocolate.”

“There wasn’t much chocolate in my house growing up,” Arthur said.

“That’s very odd.”

Arthur murmured his agreement. The truth was that his mother had been very fond of chocolate, and after she’d died, Uther just couldn’t bring himself to buy much of it, not even for Arthur. But that seemed like much too personal information to give to Merlin in such a casual setting.

When they had their milkshakes in hand, they went to the till, and Arthur paid for both of them.

“I got it,” he said as Merlin pulled out his wallet to pay him back. “It’s no problem.”

“Why are you paying for me?”

“I don’t know,” Arthur admitted. “But it’s fine.”

Merlin shrugged and put his wallet away. They sat at an empty table, sipping their milkshakes in silence until Merlin’s mobile rang.

“Sorry,” he said to Arthur before answering the call. “Hey.” Arthur did his best not to listen in on the conversation, and Merlin hung up after a minute. “That was Lance,” he said. “Do you know Lance? They weren’t at the AQ+ plus meeting last week, but usually they come.”

“I don’t know anyone called Lance,” Arthur said.

“Ah. You should meet them sometime, they’re the one who got me into zines.”

“Is this your boyfriend?” Arthur asked. “Or… partner, I guess, I don’t know.”

Merlin looked taken aback. “What?”

“Lance,” Arthur said, feeling dumb. “Are you… are they your…”

“Oh. Um, no.” Merlin gave a nervous smile. “They’re not.”

Arthur nodded and took a long sip of his milkshake.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Merlin asked after a painfully long minute.

“No.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

Arthur looked up from his milkshake. “I thought… the first day we met here, you were kissing someone.”

Merlin’s eyebrows shot up. “I definitely wasn’t kissing anyone.”

“You were hugging someone, at least.”

“Yeah, Lance. Don’t you hug your friends?”

Arthur didn’t, but that wasn’t the point.

Not that he knew what the point was.

Other than the fact that Merlin was apparently single.

“Anyway,” Merlin said when Arthur didn’t respond. “What do you have going on the rest of the day?”

Arthur took a sip of his milkshake, trying to reset himself. “Just reading, I guess. You?”

“Same. I don’t really feel like it, though. Kind of more into the idea of watching telly all night.”

Arthur smiled. “Yeah, that’s definitely a more appealing option.”

“Care to join me?”

“What?”

“In watching telly all night.” If Arthur wasn’t mistaken, Merlin’s ears had gone pink. “It’s always better with company, isn’t it?”

“I suppose that’s true.”

“Let’s take these back to my room, then.” Merlin stood, taking his milkshake with him.

Arthur got up and followed him, sipping at his milkshake even though it was too cold now they were outside.

“Haven’t had a milkshake in ages,” Merlin said.

“Kind of random craving to get, considering the weather.”

Merlin just grinned. They walked the rest of the way to Merlin’s hall, and by the time they reached Merlin’s room, Arthur was thoroughly chilled. He set his milkshake down on Merlin’s desk and rubbed his hands together to warm them up.

“What kind of stuff do you watch?” Merlin asked, plopping down on his bed and opening up his laptop.

“Uh… football,” Arthur said, feeling a little lame. “Graham Norton sometimes.”

“I like mysteries,” Merlin said, eyes on his laptop. “Could I tempt you with one of those?”

“I guess.” Arthur sat down on Merlin’s bed, careful to keep a reasonable amount of space between them.

“Here,” Merlin passed off his laptop. “Pick whatever you think looks good.”

Arthur scrolled through the options, but he hadn’t really heard of most of the shows except maybe in passing. He had no idea what might be good or if he would enjoy a mystery even if it was good. In the end, he picked a show with an attractive leading man and started up the first episode.

“Can’t go wrong with a sexy vicar,” Merlin said once he’d seen what Arthur had picked.

Arthur shifted up to get his milkshake, and when he settled back on the bed, Merlin scooted closer, barely leaving any space for the laptop between them. Arthur sipped at his milkshake, trying to pay attention to the episode but mostly getting distracted by how long Merlin’s legs were and how tight his jeans were and good he smelled this close up.

He wanted to make a move, to give into the biting longing, but he wasn’t sure what Merlin wanted. Mostly he seemed to want to watch the mystery.

Arthur finished off his milkshake and tossed the empty cup toward the bin, but his aim was off and he ended up knocking the whole thing over.

“Shit, sorry,” he muttered, getting down on the floor to pick up the mess.

Merlin paused the show and joined him, setting the bin straight and picking up tissues and candy wrappers from the floor. He kept glancing up at Arthur as he cleaned up, and Arthur did his best not to notice.

“So,” Merlin said once the floor was cleared, “not that this is a particularly romantic moment, but is there any chance you’d be interested in—”

“Yes,” Arthur said, looking across the bin at Merlin, taking in his pink ears and shy smile.

“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”

“Doesn’t really matter,” Arthur said. “The answer is still yes.”

Merlin grinned and stood, pulling Arthur up with him. He kept his grip on Arthur’s hands and stepped closer, eyes locked with Arthur’s.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked.

Arthur nodded, and the Merlin was on him, those full lips pressed against his own. He leaned into it, pulling his hands out of Merlin’s grip and getting them on Merlin’s hips instead. Merlin tasted like chocolate, decadent and sharp, and Arthur drank him in.

“Wasn’t sure you were interested,” Merlin murmured when they broke apart.

“I was trying not to be,” Arthur said. “I thought you had a boyfriend.”

Merlin smirked and went in for another kiss, getting one hand on the back of Arthur’s head and holding him in place as he licked into Arthur’s mouth. Arthur was weak, heat pouring into his limbs and his stomach, making him want. He pulled Merlin closer, sliding a hand under Merlin’s shirt to hold onto his back, and Merlin’s breath hitched against his lips.

“What do you want?” Merlin asked quietly. He ducked his head and started pressing kisses to Arthur’s neck.

“Hm?”

“What do you want?” Merlin asked again. His hot breath poured over Arthur’s skin, and Arthur fought not to shiver. He tried to think back to the consent guide, to remember how Merlin wanted this conversation to go, but it was impossible with Merlin’s tongue licking a line up to his ear.

“I want…” Arthur exhaled shakily as Merlin started sucking on a spot just below his jaw.

“Yeah?”

“I want you to keep doing that.”

Merlin chuckled and went back to it, lavishing Arthur’s neck with more attention until Arthur was hard and losing himself. He was so used to being with Val, skipping the foreplay and getting right to the hard and fast fucking, that this was overwhelming. Merlin was all over him, and Arthur didn’t know how much more he could take.

“Hey,” Merlin said, lips pressed to Arthur’s ear. “All right?”

Arthur nodded.

“What do you want?”

Arthur didn’t even know how to answer that question. He just wanted Merlin, in whatever way Merlin was willing to give himself.

“What do _you_ want?” he asked.

“I want you naked and on my bed,” Merlin said, voice low. “I want your cock in my mouth.”

Arthur shuddered, fingers flexing on Merlin’s hips. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

Arthur nodded, and Merlin took a step back to pull off Arthur’s shirt. He undid Arthur’s flies, palming Arthur’s cock, and Arthur swallowed around a tightness in his throat. It felt like his heart had lodged itself up there.

Merlin went back to kissing and nipping at Arthur’s neck as he slowly pushed down Arthur’s jeans and pants. He took a grip on Arthur’s cock, and Arthur exhaled sharply.

“Is this okay?” Merlin asked.

Arthur nodded, cupping Merlin’s cheeks and pulling him in for a kiss. Merlin licked into his mouth and started pumping his hand, working Arthur over.

Arthur could have let it go on indefinitely. He loved the feel of Merlin’s hand around his cock, the press of Merlin’s lips against his own, the warmth pooling in his middle.

But he was very interested in what Merlin had proposed, so he broke the kiss and asked, “Bed?”

“Yeah. Please.”

Arthur stepped out of his clothes, and Merlin guided him over to his bed, pushing on his shoulders until he sat on the edge. Before Arthur could move to lie down, Merlin dropped to the floor and pressed a kiss on the inside of Arthur’s thigh. He looked up at Arthur, cheeks flushed and mouth open, and a shiver ran down Arthur’s spine.

“Can I—”

“Yeah,” Arthur said, voice breathy.

Merlin smirked and leaned in to flick his tongue against the head of Arthur’s cock. He teased Arthur like that for a minute, rubbing his hands up and down Arthur’s thighs, keeping his eyes locked with Arthur’s.

Arthur couldn’t stand the sight. Everything he liked about Merlin—his eyes, his lips, his hands—was on full display, and all he wanted was more. He reached down and brushed his fingers through Merlin’s hair, pleased at how soft it was, and Merlin ducked down, breaking eye contact and sinking his mouth down around Arthur’s entire cock.

Breathing hard, Arthur kept his hand on Merlin’s head as he started moving up and down, relishing the feeling of those lips around him, that tongue pressed against him. Merlin was going at it with such fervour, like he loved what he was doing, and what he was doing was all the right things.

Val had never really been into blowjobs—Arthur had always been the one giving them when they did happen—but it was clear Merlin was enjoying it. He kept making these quiet, pleased sounds, and he was gripping Arthur’s thighs, holding him in place, and he kept picking up speed.

Arthur felt like he was being feasted on, and he wasn’t sure how long he would last. He tightened his grip on Merlin’s hair, trying to get him to slow down, but Merlin just reached up, grabbed his wrists, and held his hands down on the bed.

An embarrassing noise escaped Arthur’s lips at that. He liked being held down, and Merlin’s grip was so strong, and he could feel a tightening in his gut, pleasure sparking out from his centre.

“Merlin,” he groaned out. He didn’t want this to end so soon.

Merlin pulled back to the head of his cock, sucking on it, and glanced up at Arthur, waiting patiently for whatever he had to say. The sight made Arthur’s cock pulse. He was getting close.

“I’m—” Arthur’s breath caught in his throat as Merlin started bobbing his head along Arthur’s cock again. He was working his throat, working his tongue, keeping a tight seal with his lips, and Arthur’s eyes fluttered shut. His hands were firm around Arthur’s wrists, too, and Arthur could feel every shift of his fingers, every press of his thumbs. Everything Merlin was doing was working against Arthur’s attempt to keep control.

He tried to focus on his breathing, on the sound of his exhales, on the cool air in Merlin’s room, on the rise and fall of his chest.

Then Merlin started sucking on just the head of his cock again, and Arthur began to lose it. He gripped at Merlin’s sheets and spread his thighs wider, trying to stave it off, but it was no use.

“Merlin, I’m—if you don’t— _ah_ —I’m—”

It crashed over him all at once, making him shake, making his cock throb in Merlin’s mouth, making more embarrassing noises slip out.

Merlin sucked him through it, roughly at first and then more gently until he was just pressing kisses along Arthur’s cock. He released his grip on Arthur’s hands, and Arthur moved them back to Merlin’s hair, guiding him away.

Merlin sat back on his haunches and grinned up at Arthur, apparently pleased with what he’d done. Arthur caught his breath and leaned down for a kiss.

“How was that?” Merlin murmured against Arthur’s lips.

“Adequate.”

Merlin chuckled and stood, stripping off his clothes in a flash. He descended on Arthur, who scooted back until he hit the wall, and straddled his thighs. Arthur reached immediately for Merlin’s cock, stroking it as they kissed.

“This okay?” Arthur asked, belatedly remembering the consent guide.

Merlin nodded, bracing himself on the wall and rocking his hips in time with Arthur’s hand. It looked like he was riding an invisible cock, and Arthur’s imagination roared to life with images of him fucking Merlin just like this, or maybe he could be the one to ride Merlin.

“Arthur,” Merlin moaned. “Come on, give it to me.”

Arthur sped up his hand, gripping Merlin’s arse with the other, and leaned up to flick his tongue over one of Merlin’s nipples. Merlin gasped, so Arthur did it again, and then Merlin was crowding him against the wall even more, rolling his hips, sliding his cock along Arthur’s stomach and barely leaving room for Arthur’s hand between them.

Arthur kept at it though, attaching his mouth to Merlin’s chest and pressing a fingertip to Merlin’s hole and stroking Merlin’s cock as best he could. He loved how bold Merlin was, how much he was clearly enjoying this, how he wasn’t shy about going after what he wanted.

Merlin reached behind him with one hand, and Arthur stilled, worried he didn’t like what Arthur was doing, but then he covered Arthur’s hand and pressed, pushing Arthur’s fingertip inside him. He came with a shaky groan, all over Arthur’s stomach, hips still rocking.

Arthur tore his mouth away from Merlin’s nipple and leaned up for a kiss, which Merlin gave to him, warm and sloppy and slow. He slumped down on Arthur’s thighs, grabbing both of Arthur’s hands and holding them to his thighs. Arthur gave his legs a squeeze and smiled against his lips.

“How was that?” he asked.

“Adequate.”

Arthur grinned and went in for another kiss. Merlin hummed into it, licked across the crease between Arthur’s lips, and then flopped sideways. He landed with his head on his pillows, his legs resting over Arthur’s, and he folded his arms under his head and gave Arthur a lazy smile.

Arthur rested one hand on Merlin’s legs and reached with the other to Merlin’s feet to see if he was ticklish.

He was. He flailed a little, crying out for Arthur to stop. Arthur did, laughing.

“Rude,” Merlin said without much heat.

“That’s me.” Arthur looked down at the mess on his stomach. “Can I use your bathroom?”

“Go for it.”

Arthur scooted out from under Merlin’s legs and went to clean himself up. When he came back out, Merlin was sitting on the edge of his bed with his laptop and wearing his pants. Arthur hurried to get back in his own pants.

“I’m supposed to meet up with Lance for dinner in a while,” Merlin said, setting aside his laptop. “You’re welcome to join if you’d like.”

Arthur opened his mouth to agree, but a sense of dread and deja vu fell over him. This was how it had started with Val. They’d hooked up a few times and then started spending more and time with each other, with each other’s friends, and the whole time it had meant nothing, been nothing but sex.

Arthur didn’t want to go through that again. He could handle the ‘just sex’ as long as it really stayed that way—no extra time spent together, no meeting each other’s friends, no long talks late at night getting to know each other. Merlin wasn’t like Val—if he had really wanted any of that, he would have said so. He was just being polite, giving Arthur an excuse to leave or a reason to stay, and Arthur was going to take the former.

“I really shouldn’t, I’ve got a lot of reading to catch up on.”

“All right. Maybe next time,” Merlin said. He didn’t sound disappointed that Arthur wouldn’t be joining him for dinner.

“Yeah.” Arthur got dressed quickly. “Thanks for, um… well. Thanks,” he said as he inched toward the door.

Merlin grinned. “Yeah. You, too.”

Arthur nodded and let himself out. He stood in the corridor for a moment, heart racing for some reason. Something inside of him was squirming, urging him to go back into Merlin’s room and apologise and go to dinner with him and Lance. The something wanted to be close to Merlin, to get to know him, to find out more about his life and his studies. The something wanted more.

Arthur couldn’t listen to that part of him, though. That was how he’d wound up falling for Val, and look where that had got him.

No, he needed to maintain some kind of distance. Sex could be fun all on its own, and it didn’t need to involve anything else, and he just needed to remember that.

He took off toward his hall, putting the afternoon behind him and going over the readings he needed to finish for the weekend.

~~~~~

Arthur woke up the next morning when his mobile rang not with his alarm but with a call from his father.

“Did I wake you?” Uther asked when Arthur answered the call with a grunt. “It’s not that early.”

“No, I’m up,” Arthur lied. He sat up, pushing aside his sheets. “Mostly.”

Uther chuckled. “Were you up late?”

“Depends what you consider late.”

“Past midnight?”

“I’m always up past midnight,” Arthur said. He stood and stretched. “How are you?”

“Oh, you know me. Work, work, work. How are you? How’s the boyfriend?”

Arthur froze, remembering the horrible idea he’d had of introducing Val to his dad. “Ah, he’s… well. We broke up.”

“Oh no,” Uther said. “What happened?”

“I guess we wanted different things. It’s fine, though. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Definitely.” Arthur stifled a yawn.

“Should I let you get back to sleep?” Uther asked.

“No, I need to get up. I’m starving, actually.”

“Well, I’ll let you go get breakfast, then. I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“I’m doing really well,” Arthur said. “Thanks for calling.”

“Of course. Love you.” He hung up before Arthur could respond.

Arthur set his mobile on the stack of zines still sitting on his desk and went to take a shower. He got himself breakfast and spent some time walking around before going back to his room to do his coursework.

He couldn’t seem to concentrate, though. He was restless, fingers itching to draw, and after an hour of staring at the same sentence in his book, he gave up. He took out his sketchbook and started redrawing the animal scenes for Merlin’s consent guide.

He went slowly, taking his time to get each line the way he wanted until they formed the pictures he had in his mind. He wanted everything to be perfect, or at least as good as it could be. There was no telling how many people would see this thing, but he didn’t want to disappoint regardless. He especially didn’t want to disappoint Merlin.

He didn’t want to think about that, though. He just wanted to focus on what he was doing.

His attention started waning when time for lunch rolled around, and he finally allowed himself to take a break. He considered his lunch options, but there was really only one thing he wanted, one thing he had a very distinct craving for.

Arthur went to the cafe and ordered a chocolate milkshake.

It tasted decadent, indulgent.

He sipped at it as he made his way to the exit, weaving his way through tables and loitering students. The door opened as he approached, and Merlin came through, eyes immediately landing on Arthur.

“Hey,” he said, smiling. “That a milkshake?”

Arthur nodded, and before he could say anything, Merlin stepped closer and took a sip, eyes locked with Arthur’s. Heat pulsed through Arthur’s body at the display, those lips wrapped around the tip of the straw, those blue eyes boring into his.

“Chocolate this time?” Merlin asked when he pulled back.

Arthur nodded again. They looked at each other for a moment.

“So, we never finished that episode yesterday,” Merlin said casually. “If you’re interested, we could go back to my room and start it back up.”

Arthur nodded, and Merlin smirked. “Got any words in you today?” he teased.

“Yes,” Arthur said to make a point.

Merlin took another sip of Arthur’s milkshake. “Give me five minutes?”

“For what?” Arthur asked, but Merlin was already walking away.

Arthur stayed by the door, enjoying his milkshake and trying not think about what he and Merlin might be about to get up to, until Merlin came back. He was holding a container of mozzarella sticks.

“Ready?” Merlin asked, already opening the door.

Arthur followed and they headed for Merlin’s hall. Arthur helped himself to a mozzarella stick, and Merlin drank the last of Arthur’s milkshake, and it felt very easy and friendly, like they’d shared food a thousand times before.

Merlin’s room was back to the mess it had been on Arthur’s first visit, and he wondered if Merlin had cleaned for him specially the day before.

Merlin tossed the empty mozzarella stick container and Arthur’s milkshake cup in the bin and then turned to give Arthur a long kiss. He drew Arthur’s tongue into his mouth and got his hands in Arthur’s hair and his whole body pressed against Arthur’s. Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin’s back, holding him close as they got reacquainted.

“You want to watch that episode?” Merlin asked, breaking the kiss to pull off Arthur’s shirt.

“Not really.”

Merlin grinned and drew Arthur in for another kiss as he started undoing Arthur’s flies. Arthur was already hard, already tingling with heat, already eager for whatever Merlin had in store for him today.

Once Arthur was naked, Merlin took a step back to undress himself, keeping his eyes on Arthur, going slow like he was putting on a show. Arthur gave his cock a few strokes, admiring the view.

“What do you want?” Merlin asked, reaching out and tweaking Arthur’s nipples.

Arthur hissed. “Not that.”

Merlin chuckled and leaned in to flick his tongue against Arthur’s ear. “What, then?”

“Just you.”

“Very specific.”

Arthur frowned, trying to think of something specific he could articulate. It was hard, with one of Merlin’s hands on his cock and the other on his arse. He just wanted _more_.

“Do you like getting fucked?” Merlin asked, voice low.

Arthur closed his eyes and nodded. He could feel Merlin’s cock against his own, stiff and warm.

“Do you want to do that?” Merlin asked.

Arthur kept his eyes closed, imagining Merlin pinning him to the bed, driving into him. Most of him wanted that—he _did_ like getting fucked. Part of him wanted to be the one fucking Merlin. Val had never indulged him in that, he’d always been the one to top, and Arthur sort of missed getting to take his turn.

But there was plenty of time for that. There was nothing to indicate this would be the last time he and Merlin hooked up, nothing to indicate Merlin wouldn’t be interested in switching it up in the future. And Merlin’s hand on his arse, firm and possessive, was so promising.

“Yeah,” Arthur said, and Merlin grinned.

Merlin tugged Arthur over to the bed and pushed him down on it. Arthur adjusted himself so he was lying with his head on the pillows, and then Merlin descended on him. Merlin kissed him, hard, and started rolling his hips, sliding his cock against Arthur’s. Arthur grabbed Merlin’s arse, using it as leverage to get more friction.

They continued, grinding against each other, lost in a messy kiss, hands running everywhere, until Arthur nearly forgot what they had been planning to do. Merlin felt so good against him, and he could have easily gone on like this until he came.

Merlin finally pulled back though, sitting on Arthur’s thighs and looking down at him. “You want to do this?”

Arthur nodded, and Merlin leaned over to his desk and pulled out a bottle of lube. He spread Arthur’s legs, sitting between them, and pushed on his thighs until Arthur bent his knees and planted his feet on the bed.

The first press of Merlin’s slick finger to Arthur’s hole was cold, and Arthur gasped as Merlin pushed in.

“Good?” Merlin asked.

Arthur nodded again, taking a deep breath and relaxing his muscles. Merlin added another finger, and Arthur closed his eyes, focusing on the increasingly pleasant sensation of Merlin’s fingers sliding in and out of him. Val had never prepared him so gently.

He opened his eyes again to see Merlin watching his fingers, biting his lip.

“Merlin,” Arthur said.

Merlin glanced up. “Yeah.”

“Get on with it.”

Merlin grinned and pulled his fingers out. He leaned over to his desk again, sitting back on the bed with a condom and preparing himself. Arthur spread his legs wider, lifted his hips, and pulled on his cock.

Merlin grabbed hold of him with one hand, lining himself up with the other, and locked eyes with Arthur as he pushed in.

Arthur breathed, letting himself adjust, and nodded, signalling to Merlin to continue. Merlin slid in the rest of the way and paused, wrapping his hands around Arthur’s waist and shifting his thighs under Arthur’s hips.

“Come on,” Arthur said, more than ready.

Merlin _winked_ and then started rocking his hips, going slow. Arthur choked back a groan, closing his eyes and pushing his hips against Merlin’s. He wanted more, something hot and fast and primal, but Merlin didn’t seem interested in that.

“Come on,” he said again, trying to coax Merlin to go faster.

Merlin just bent forward, guiding Arthur’s legs around his waist, and gave Arthur a kiss.

Arthur huffed against Merlin’s lips, the new position and angle doing all the right things. He reached up to cup Merlin’s face, and Merlin started shoving his hips against Arthur’s a little faster.

“Good?” Merlin asked.

Arthur nodded, moving one hand to Merlin’s arm and holding on tight. He felt a little on edge with how close they were to each other, how intimate this felt, how Merlin was all over him.

“You feel really good,” Merlin muttered, hips snapping a little rougher.

“Yeah? You do, too.”

Merlin tugged on Arthur’s bottom lip with his teeth, pulling back slowly and licking across it as he let go, and Arthur felt the sensation spark through him, all the way down to his untouched cock. It was pressed to his stomach, unreachable, but he didn’t care. Everything was narrowing down to the slide of Merlin’s cock in his arse, the light push against his prostate, the drag of skin against skin.

Merlin shifted up a little, bracing himself on the bed with his hands and hovering over Arthur. He pumped his hips quickly, really giving it to Arthur, and Arthur tossed his head back on the pillow. This was what he had wanted.

“Fuck, yeah,” Arthur groaned when Merlin got it just right.

Merlin bit his lip, keeping up the harsh pace, breathing hard. “I’m—” He cut himself with a grunt, digging his knees into the bed.

Arthur got his hands on Merlin’s arse and gave it a squeeze. Merlin hung his head, his hair falling in his face. Arthur cupped his face with one hand, brushing his thumb over Merlin’s lips, and Merlin moaned, deep and loud.

“I’m— ” Merlin tried again. “I’m really—”

“Come on,” Arthur said, rocking his hips as best he could.

“Can I come on you?” Merlin asked, breathless.

“What?”

“Can I come on you?”

“I—yes? Yeah.”

Merlin pulled out, stripped off the condom, and started jerking his cock over Arthur’s body. Arthur’s mouth went a little dry at the sight, Merlin’s face twisted in pleasure, mouth open and gaze seemingly focused on Arthur’s cock. Arthur reached down to give his cock a quick pull, and Merlin came with a groan, come spilling over Arthur’s cock.

“Fuck,” Merlin breathed, leaning forward to brace himself on the bed with his free hand as he continued pulling on himself. “Fuck, Arthur.”

Arthur had to agree. He reached for himself again, spreading Merlin’s come over his cock and stroking it fast and hard. Merlin panted over him, and Arthur tried to lean up for a kiss. Merlin met him halfway, and Arthur got his free hand in Merlin’s hair, holding him in place.

“Can I help?” Merlin asked.

Arthur just wanted to come. He rested his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes, letting Merlin do whatever he wanted.

When nothing happened, he opened his eyes again to see Merlin sitting between his legs, pulling on his still-hard cock, watching Arthur’s hand.

“Merlin,” Arthur moaned as everything wound tighter. Merlin was wanking over him, spent but still turned on, and Arthur felt hot and sexy and desperately close.

“Come on,” Merlin said, voice barely audible. “Let me see you come.”

Arthur shuddered as it hit him, and his hips lifted off the bed, chasing after the incredible feeling of release.

“Yeah,” Merlin encouraged him, and Arthur continued stroking himself until he was soft, his front an absolute mess of his and Merlin’s come.

Merlin rubbed his hands up and down Arthur’s thighs, and Arthur took a deep breath and looked down at him.

“Adequate?” Merlin asked.

Arthur chuckled lazily. “Yeah,” he said, draping an arm over his eyes. “Fairly adequate.”

“Come on,” Merlin said, giving Arthur’s sides a squeeze. “Shower?”

“Give me a minute.”

Merlin pulled Arthur’s arm off his face and gave him a soft kiss. “I’ll get it started,” he said. He got up and went into the bathroom, and Arthur heard the water turn on.

He stayed in Merlin’s bed for a minute, staring up at the ceiling and letting himself zone out.

“Arthur?” Merlin called out, and Arthur sat up with a grunt. He made his way into the shower, where Merlin crowded him against the wall with a kiss. It was wet, tongue-heavy, sloppy and slow, and Arthur melted into it.

“Merlin,” he whispered.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve got a bit of a mess on me.”

Merlin grinned and gave him a quick peck before stepping back and letting him rinse off. The water was hot and comforting, and Arthur stayed under the spray until Merlin pushed him out of the way for his turn to clean off.

Arthur draped himself over Merlin’s back, wrapping his arms around Merlin’s front and hooking his chin over Merlin’s shoulder.

“Hey,” Merlin said, and Arthur couldn’t see his face but it sounded like he was smiling.

“Hey.”

“So… is this going to become a regular thing?”

Arthur closed his eyes and listened to the sound of the water hitting the drain. He didn’t know how Merlin wanted him to answer.

When he said nothing, Merlin turned around in his grip. “Or we can just see what happens,” he said.

Arthur nodded, and Merlin gave him a soft smile before stepping back and turning off the water. They dried off and got dressed, and then Arthur didn’t really have much of a reason to be there anymore.

“I think I need to go do some reading,” he said as he laced up his trainers.

“Yeah, I should as well. You going to the library?”

Arthur had actually been thinking of taking his work to the library where he had a better chance of not getting so distracted by his sketchbook, but if Merlin went with him, he’d be nothing but distracted.

“No, just my room.”

Merlin nodded. “Well. Will you be at AQ+ tomorrow night?”

“Oh, um…” Arthur hadn’t even thought about AQ+ since the previous week.

“You should come.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Arthur shrugged on his jacket and opened the door. “I’ll see you around,” he said before letting himself out.

He felt gross, leaving like that with barely a goodbye in the middle of Merlin trying to have a conversation about the next time they’d see each other, but Arthur didn’t have any answers. He didn’t know if he would be going back to AQ+, he didn’t know if he wanted this to become a regular thing they did, he didn’t know how to stop this from turning into another Val situation.

He just didn’t know, and he didn’t feel he could stay with so many questions hanging between them.

Arthur went back to his own room and spent the rest of the day buried in his work, steadfastly ignoring his sketchbook and the stack of zines and the urge to text Merlin to apologise.

~~~~~

On Monday evening, Arthur found himself outside the Student Union Lounge for the second week in row, clutching his mobile in one hand and trying to talk himself into going inside.

Morgana had been phoning him all day, probably trying to convince him to come to the AQ+ meeting, but he hadn’t answered. He didn’t want to be guilted into going. He just wanted to want to go. And he was pretty sure he did. He wanted to hear more about how other parts of the zine were coming together. He wanted to see if there was anything else he could do to help. He wanted to see Merlin.

Swearing under his breath, Arthur opened the door and went into the lounge. The meeting hadn’t started yet—Morgana wasn’t even there yet—and everyone was just standing and sitting around, chatting.

Merlin was over at a table with three other students, two of whom Arthur recognised from last week’s meeting, but he couldn’t remember their names. Gwen was on a sofa, looking to be in deep conversation with someone else Arthur recognised—Gwaine, maybe? The guy with the beautiful hair and wicked smile. Arthur wondered briefly why he hadn’t been more drawn to Gwaine the week before, but then Merlin called out to him and Gwaine fell off his mind entirely.

He went over to the table, and Merlin introduced him around.

“This is Vivian and Sophia, and this is Lance,” he said, pointing each of them out. “This is Arthur.”

“You were here last week, right?” Sophia asked.

“Yeah, he’s illustrating my consent guide for the zine,” Merlin said.

“Oh, right. How’s that going?”

Merlin glanced at Arthur.

“Oh,” Arthur said. “It’s… going. I think I have the drawings done, I just need to scan them and add speech bubbles.”

“Can’t wait to see the final product,” Lance said. “Merlin may have shown me your sketches. You’re very good.”

“Thanks,” Arthur said. “I’m not—”

“Hi, everyone!” Morgana called out as she came into the lounge.

“Here, come sit with us,” Merlin said. He got up and took a spare chair from another table, setting it down for Arthur.

Arthur took a seat, angling himself so he could see Morgana. She went straight into the business of the zine, which Arthur forgot Merlin was actually spearheading. She turned it over to him, and he went down a list of contributions, checking on progress for everything.

Arthur had to admit, it sounded like it was shaping up nicely. There was his and Merlin’s consent guide, Sophia’s tarot write-up, Gwaine’s boudoir shots, someone else’s poems, some short stories, an article about the history of AQ+ and queer activism at the school, and Lance was even making a crossword puzzle for it.

Merlin was all business with the zine, keeping notes in his book, confirming deadlines, holding everyone accountable for their parts. Arthur couldn’t keep his eyes off him. He looked so serious, like the zine was something so very important. Arthur found himself endeared.

Eventually the meeting moved on, and Arthur found himself much more engaged than at the previous meeting. He didn’t think about taking out his mobile to check the time even once. He just sat and listened, taking it all in, appreciating the passion everyone brought to the various topics.

Merlin was obviously engaged, too. He kept piping up, either to give his own opinion or to encourage someone else to share theirs. He seemed familiar with everyone’s interests, knew exactly who should speak on which topic.

It was sexy to see him so in his element.

The meeting ended giving some reminders about upcoming events and encouraging those involved with the zine to check in with Merlin directly.

“Stick around?” Merlin managed to ask before he was swamped with other students queuing up to talk to him.

Arthur did so, trying to make it look casual. He talked to Lance until they left and then managed to flag down Gwen.

“I’m surprised to see you back, to be honest,” she said after giving him a hug. “Morgana said you were ignoring her calls.”

“I was busy,” Arthur lied.

Gwen gave a smile that made it very clear she didn’t believe him. “Well, it’s good to see you, anyway. How are you doing? Are you feeling better about Val?”

“Yeah, actually. Loads better. Like it never even happened.”

“Good. I hope you come to more of these meetings. There’s a lot of good people here. And who knows, maybe you’ll even find someone you like.”

“I’m not here for that,” Arthur said quickly.

“No? Pity. I was going to offer to introduce you to Gwaine.”

“I’m good, honestly.”

Gwen shrugged. “All right. Oh, Morgana wanted me to invite you to dinner tomorrow. Text her, will you?”

Arthur nodded.

“I am glad you’re here,” Gwen said, giving him another hug.

“Thanks.”

She gave a wave to Merlin, who was still talking to people on the other side of the table, and went to wait for Morgana to be done chatting with other society members.

Arthur took out his mobile, trying not to look like he was waiting around. He checked his email and the news and opened up a game to play.

“Hey,” Merlin said after a while, and Arthur looked up to see the last student leaving the lounge.

Arthur put his mobile away. “You’re a very busy man,” he said.

Merlin smiled. “It’s busy work, being on the committee.”

“What committee?”

“The AQ+ committee.”

“Oh,” Arthur said. “I thought… I thought Morgana said it was her society.”

“She’s not the only one in charge. Much as she’d like to be, I guess.” Merlin picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. “Want to come back to mine?”

Arthur nodded and followed Merlin out of the lounge.

~~~~~

After that, it was easy to fall into a pattern. Arthur went to every AQ+ meeting his schedule allowed for and went back to Merlin’s after every one of them. They met up on weekends, too, and during the week sometimes when they weren’t overwhelmed by coursework.

They ate lunch together a lot, always under the guise of working on the zine even though Arthur had already sent Merlin the final versions of the illustrations. They watched actual full episodes of Merlin’s mystery shows together, usually after hooking up and before curling up together to fall asleep in Merlin’s bed.

They went to the library together, went to campus events together, continued to get milkshakes together despite the turning weather. They spent time with Merlin’s friends, which always made Arthur feel like he was slipping into old patterns, but it was hard to stop it from happening when Merlin’s friends were becoming his friends, too, thanks to the AQ+ meetings. They spent time with Morgana and Gwen, who always gave them looks as if they knew what was going on between them, but neither Arthur nor Merlin ever admitted to anything.

They even watched some football together. Arthur had to explain all the rules and technicalities to Merlin, but Merlin seemed genuinely interested and would always get into the matches, cheering and booing along with Arthur.

Before Arthur knew it, more than a month had gone by and the term was almost over.

One night, after an AQ+ meeting and a rather raucous round of sex, Arthur was in Merlin’s bed, curled up at his side, trying not to fall asleep too early. Merlin was massaging his scalp, and it was so comforting and calming that Arthur lost himself in it, drifting off until Merlin spoke.

“Hm?” Arthur said, pulling himself back from the brink of sleep.

“I talked to Morgana,” Merlin said. “About the committee retreat.”

Arthur yawned and rolled onto his back, scrubbing his hands over his face. “What’s that?”

“Every year, the AQ+ committee members go on a retreat near the end of first term to plan what we’ll do next year.”

“Sounds fun.”

“It is. We’re renting cabins this year.”

Arthur nodded, not really understand where Merlin was trying to go with the conversation.

“So, I talked to Morgana,” Merlin said again. “I was wondering if you’d like to come.”

Arthur blinked up at the ceiling. “What, on the retreat?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not on the committee,” he pointed out.

“It’s not that strict. Gwen’s coming, and she’s not on the committee.”

“Yeah, but she—” Arthur paused, realising he didn’t really have an argument.

“You’ve been helping a lot with the zine,” Merlin said, which was somewhat true. Arthur had been helping Merlin to edit and proofread and format everything, but he didn’t think that was enough to qualify him to go on the retreat. “And I’m sure you have some great ideas for what you’d like to see the society do next year.”

Arthur didn’t. He just liked being along for the ride.

“Anyway,” Merlin said, “Morgana says it’s fine, I just… figured I’d ask.” He sounded disappointed.

“What happens on these retreats?” Arthur asked.

“Brainstorming, mostly. Drinking. I think there will be some nice walks near the cabins.”

If Arthur was honest with himself, a weekend away with Merlin sounded like an excellent idea. It was just that it wasn’t really a weekend away with Merlin—it was a weekend away with a whole group of people, none of whom knew he and Merlin were sleeping together and all of whom probably expected to get a lot of planning done for their society.

“It’ll be fun,” Merlin said quietly.

Arthur couldn’t stand the despondency in Merlin’s tone. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll go, if you’re sure it’s all right.”

“It’s all right.” Merlin rolled over to give Arthur a kiss. “You won’t regret it, I promise.”

Arthur curled back up at Merlin’s side and let himself drift off to thoughts of getting fucked in front of a roaring fire on a bearskin rug in some candle-lit cabin in the middle of nowhere.

~~~~~

The cabins were bigger than Arthur had expected, each with three bedrooms and a common space plus a full kitchen. The committee had two rented for the weekend, and Merlin and Arthur bunked together in the second cabin in a room next to the kitchen. Morgana and Gwen grabbed another room in the back of the cabin. The third bedroom was left empty, as everyone else fit in the first cabin. Arthur felt a little weird about the arrangement and wondered if he should at least pretend to take the extra room for himself, but Morgana and Gwen didn’t really seemed to mind or notice or care that he stayed in the room with Merlin.

Everyone arrived to the cabins on a Friday afternoon and, after a quick run to the nearest shops, immediately started drinking. Arthur helped Gwen and Lance in the kitchen of the first cabin, and after a few sweaty hours, they had dinner for the full group ready. Everyone crammed together at one table, still drinking and laughing and eating and celebrating the end of term.

It was cosy as hell, and Arthur loved it. No one said anything about the fact that he wasn’t actually on the committee. He felt fully welcomed and embraced, and Merlin kept shooting him smiles from across the tables, and he spent the evening nursing several beers and getting warmer and warmer until, finally, it was time for bed.

“I’m afraid I must bid you all adieu,” Morgana said dramatically, standing up from the table and waving her wine glass around. “We have much work to do tomorrow, and I will see all your lovely faces then.”

She and Gwen left, and some other committee members started cleaning up the dishes. Arthur sat back in his chair, full and content, and looked around for Merlin.

He wasn’t at the table anymore, which was odd because Arthur could have sworn he’d just seen him moments ago.

Then someone planted their hands on Arthur’s shoulders and started giving him a back massage.

Arthur glanced up to see Merlin standing behind him.

“Hey,” Merlin said.

Arthur grinned dopily. “Hey.”

“Should we head back?”

“Not if that means you’re going to stop doing that.”

Merlin chuckled and continued, working his way down Arthur’s back as best as the chair would allow. Arthur felt a bit like jelly, soft and pliant. He wished they could stay doing this all night, but eventually the table was cleared off and people started getting ready for bed.

“Let’s head back,” Merlin said, leaning down to whisper in Arthur’s ear.

Arthur nodded and stood, stretching. He was so warm, and everything was so lovely.

Merlin took his hand and led him out of that cabin and into their own, where Morgana and Gwen were already in bed. Merlin helped Arthur out of his clothes and into his pyjamas, and then they settled into one of the beds together, entwined under the covers, and Arthur fell asleep with his fingers laced with Merlin’s.

~~~~~

Arthur woke up in the morning alone. He rolled onto his back and stretched, his fingers and toes tingling with alertness.

“There you are.”

Arthur looked around to see Merlin standing over his bag, getting dressed for the day.

“Hope I didn’t wake you.”

“No,” Arthur mumbled. He wasn’t sure why he’d woken up. Maybe he’d felt Merlin’s absence.

They’d never slept in the same bed without having sex first before. It had felt nice at the time, but now Arthur wasn’t sure what to make of it.

Merlin didn’t seem bothered.

“We got beans and bread at the shops yesterday, right?” Merlin asked, pulling on his shirt.

“I think so.”

“Fancy beans on toast?”

Arthur didn’t really fancy any food right then, but he nodded anyway, and Merlin left to go out to the kitchen.

Arthur stayed in bed a while, watching the trees shift in the breeze outside the window. It was a bit chilly in the cabin, and he didn’t relish the thought of getting out from under the covers.

He did eventually, though. He got himself dressed and went out to the kitchen to see Merlin as well as Morgana and Gwen all drinking tea. Merlin handed him a mug, and Arthur sipped at it, trying to wake up properly.

“How was the rest of your night?” Morgana asked. “Anything exciting happen after we left?”

“Not really,” Merlin said. The toaster dinged, and Merlin set about fixing everyone’s breakfast.

They all ate together at the table, comparing schedules for next term and complaining about their final exams and papers, and it was so normal and domestic that Arthur felt a little sick. Morgana and Gwen were a proper couple, but he and Merlin were just friends with benefits. Emphasis on the benefits. Except, there had been more and more emphasis on the friends part lately, too. That part made him feel even more sick.

Arthur finished off his breakfast and went to take a shower.

~~~~~

After his shower, Arthur excused himself from the committee’s plans for the day, packed himself a lunch, and went for a walk. He found the trail pretty easily and made his way through the woods, around trees, over hills.

It was a lovely day, if not a bit cold, and he wished Merlin could have been with him.

Merlin was needed with the committee, though.

And Arthur needed some time to think.

He felt like he’d lost the thread with Merlin. Things between them were supposed to be casual, all about sex, nothing serious. Being invited on a weekend retreat was a little less than casual. Sleeping together in the same bed without fucking first was a little more serious. And the back massage the night before certainly hadn’t been about sex.

Maybe Arthur was overreacting, though. Maybe Merlin was just being friendly. Maybe he was still keeping up the boundaries on his end. Maybe things were still perfectly simple for him.

When Arthur finally made it back to the cabins, he was good and tired from his walk, and he felt significantly better. Being out in nature had been a nice way to clear his head, to get back on track, to convince himself that everything was fine and that he and Merlin were still good.

He joined everyone for dinner in the first cabin, and then someone broke out their laptop and started playing karaoke videos.

Arthur was not a performer—he never had been, and he never would be—but he loved watching other people make fools out of the themselves. There was plenty of alcohol going around, plenty of shouting over the terrible singing, plenty of fun to be had as a spectator.

He was sitting on the sofa with Morgana and Gwen, generally making a ruckus, when Gwen got up for her turn and Merlin nabbed her seat.

“Having a good time?” Merlin asked, leaning close so he could be heard over Gwen’s belting of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’.

“I am. Are you?”

“Would be having a better time if you got up and sang with me.”

Arthur shook his head. “No, definitely no. Absolutely not.”

Merlin just laughed. “Aw, come on! It’s fun.”

“I’m sure it is, but I’m not interested.”

Merlin licked his lips. “Are you sure?”

“Very.”

“All right.” Merlin sat back and cheered Gwen on, and Arthur thought that was the end of it until Merlin stood a few minutes later to sing ‘Don’t Go Home with Your Hard-On.’

Arthur knew the song from his father’s vinyl collection, and he’d always thought it sort of silly, but hearing Merlin sing it with such glee was downright hilarious. He had the whole room wailing the chorus with him, and he reached out his hand, asking Arthur to join him.

Arthur must have had just the right amount of whisky in him, because he stood, slung his arm around Merlin’s shoulders, and finished off the song with him. Everyone cheered at the end, and Merlin took his bow with a flourish.

Lance came up to take their turn, and Merlin and Arthur shuffled to the side of the room, their seats on the sofa long taken.

“Do you want to go back to ours?” Merlin asked, keeping his voice low and his eyes on Arthur’s, making his intent clear.

Arthur nodded. He wanted that very much.

“Meet me there in ten.”

Merlin waited out Lance’s song and then announced his retirement for the evening, claiming he had a headache from the wine. The party continued without him, and Arthur waited two more songs before sneaking out himself, not feeling the need to draw attention to his departure.

He found Merlin in their cabin, sipping more wine and humming to himself in the kitchen.

“See?” he said as Arthur closed the door. “Karaoke’s not so bad.”

“Normally it is.”

“Oh? Should I be honoured you dared to sing with me?”

“Probably.”

Merlin grinned and walked over for a kiss. “Come to bed,” he whispered.

Arthur nodded, and Merlin set down his wine glass, took Arthur’s hand, and led him into their room. He locked the door, leaning against it and pulling Arthur toward himself.

“How was your walk?” he asked as he got his hands under Arthur’s jumper.

“Excellent.”

“Yeah? We missed you at the meetings.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Hm. Well, _I_ missed you.”

Heat flared in Arthur’s chest, and he crowded Merlin against the door, kissing him roughly.

“What do you want?” Merlin asked, undoing Arthur’s flies.

“You,” Arthur said, as he always did.

“Arthur.” Merlin put a hand on Arthur’s chest, holding him at bay. “You know you can ask for what you want, right?”

Arthur frowned. “I know.”

“Do you? Because you literally never have.”

“I—”

Arthur looked away from Merlin’s gaze, trying to think of a time when he’d asked for what he wanted from Merlin. He flashed back to the beginning of all their trysts, and there was Merlin, always asking what Arthur wanted, and there was Arthur, always letting Merlin set the pace.

Val had never asked what Arthur wanted—he’d always just taken what he himself wanted, and Arthur had never objected.

Even outside of that, what he wanted was never really taken into consideration.

Morgana had never asked what Arthur wanted—she just bossed him around, and Arthur found it was usually for the best.

Uther certainly had never asked what Arthur wanted. On the rare occasion where Arthur did ask for something—chocolate, art school, whatever—he never got it. Uther always shot him down, made him feel ridiculous for asking in the first place. He’d learned over the years to stop asking.

But here was Merlin, open and kind, and he was asking what Arthur wanted.

“I want…” Arthur licked his lips. “I want to fuck you.”

Merlin smiled easily. “See, was that so hard?”

Arthur shut him up with a kiss. They wrestled each other out of their clothes and tripped their way toward the bed, Merlin landing on it first and Arthur crawling on after him.

“Did you bring condoms?” Arthur asked.

“Yeah. In my bag.”

Arthur got up, Merlin clinging to him as he shifted away, and rummaged through Merlin’s bag until he found condoms and lube. He dropped them on the bed and climbed back on to Merlin, needing his warmth. Merlin reached between them, jerking both their cocks, and Arthur gave him a filthy kiss.

“Come on,” Merlin whispered. “Are you going to fuck me or not?”

“Impatient,” Arthur chided. He sat up and dug around on the bed until he found where the lube had ended up.

Merlin continued stroking his own cock, biting his lower lip, as Arthur got his slick fingers inside him. He shifted his hips against Arthur’s hand, and Arthur fingered him roughly, enjoying the blissed out look on his face. He sought out Merlin’s prostate, and Merlin bucked a little, gasping.

“Arthur,” he moaned as Arthur continued.

“Merlin.”

“We should— _fuck_ —turn out the light. In case they come back.”

Arthur leaned down and sucked on the head of Merlin’s cock, making Merlin groan. Satisfied, he pulled his hand away from Merlin’s arse and got up to turn out the light. The moon shone through the window, illuminating Merlin’s face in a beautiful, otherworldly way, and Arthur took a moment to admire the view.

“Arthur?”

“Yeah.” Arthur went back over to the bed, found the condom, and prepared himself.

Merlin readjusted himself on the bed, slotting a pillow under his hips and spreading his legs. As Arthur moved into place, Merlin wrapped his legs around Arthur’s waist, pulling him in closer.

“Good?” Arthur asked, and when Merlin nodded, he pushed in. Merlin exhaled and kept nodding, so Arthur pushed the rest of the way in and then paused.

“Come on,” Merlin said, shifting his hips against Arthur’s.

Arthur grabbed hold of Merlin’s sides and began rocking his own hips. He closed his eyes, listening to Merlin breathe and focusing on the tight heat around his cock. He could do this for hours, if he could last that long. Merlin sounded so good, felt so good, and Arthur just wanted this moment to last a lifetime.

“Arthur.”

Arthur opened his eyes to see Merlin’s hand on his cock, but it wasn’t moving. He raised his gaze to Merlin’s face.

“You disappeared on me,” Merlin said.

Arthur smiled. “Sorry. I’m here.” He spread his thighs wider, getting a little lower, and continued fucking into Merlin. Merlin let out something like a whine at the new angle and resumed stroking his cock. Arthur watched, loving the view, until they heard the sounds of Morgana and Gwen coming into the cabin.

“Yoohoo,” Morgana called out, knocking on their door. Arthur froze. “Boys!”

“We’re sleeping,” Merlin shouted back at her.

“Yeah, right!”

Arthur could hear her and Gwen giggling as they retreated to their own room at the back of the cabin.

“Ignore them,” Merlin said. He gripped Arthur’s thighs with both hands. “Come on.”

Arthur grabbed Merlin’s hips for leverage and started fucking him again, slow but hard. He tuned out the rest of the world—the rustling of the trees, the quiet sounds coming from the other bedroom, the crickets and other creatures of the night—and focused on Merlin.

“Fuck,” Merlin said, his voice tight. “Ah, fuck—” He gasped, tossing his head back on the pillow and lifting his hips in time with Arthur’s thrusts.

Arthur kept at it, listening to Merlin’s breath catch in his throat over and over and over again, until, finally, Merlin squeezed his eyes shut with a low moan.

“Arthur,” he whispered, his voice shot. “Ah, _fuck_.” He started shaking, and Arthur looked down to see him coming over his stomach, cock untouched.

Arthur bucked, slamming into Merlin and coming so hard his vision greyed out a little.

When he came back to himself, Merlin was staring up at the ceiling, a small smile on his lips, and his cock was lying on his stomach, still hard.

Arthur pulled out to dispose of the condom and then leaned down to give Merlin a sharp kiss.

“I—that was—” Arthur cut himself off, heart pounding in his chest. His instinct there had been to blurt out ‘I love you’, but he couldn’t, he didn’t—that wasn’t what this was.

Oblivious, Merlin just smiled and gave Arthur another kiss. “That was… adequate?” he guessed.

“Yeah,” Arthur said blankly. “Yeah.”

Merlin chuckled and then sat up with a groan. “I need to, uh… go deal with this,” he said, gesturing at the come on his stomach.

“Yep.” Arthur stood so Merlin could get off the bed.

Merlin pressed his ear to the door before unlocking it and walking out into the hall perfectly naked.

Arthur sat back on the bed and rested his face in his hands, trying to remember to breathe.

What was happening to him? He was losing the plot completely. He and Merlin were nothing—nothing. There was nothing between them but sex, and Arthur had managed to fall down the same hole he’d fallen into with Val. He’d tried so hard this time not to let himself go there, but here he was anyway.

“Hey,” Merlin whispered as he let himself back into their room. “Ready for bed?”

Arthur nodded, and Merlin climbed over him to get to his spot on the bed. He pulled the sheets over them and rolled onto his side to give Arthur a kiss. It dragged on, slow and sweet, until Arthur pulled back.

“Goodnight,” Merlin said. “Don’t go home with your hard-on, okay?”

Arthur had to laugh, and the knot in his chest eased a little. “Thanks for the advice.”

“Oh, anytime.” Merlin yawned and scooted closer, wrapping an arm around Arthur and burying his face somewhere near Arthur’s neck.

Arthur sighed and draped an arm over Merlin’s back. He cleared his mind, thinking of nothing except the sound of Merlin breathing so close and warm against him, and went to sleep.

~~~~~

Arthur woke up to the smell of eggy bread and tea. He was so warm and comfortable where he was though, wrapped up in Merlin’s embrace and under the covers of the cabin bed.

Merlin rubbed the tip of his nose against Arthur’s, and Arthur’s chest ached at that for some reason.

He opened his eyes to see Merlin smiling at him.

“The girls are cooking breakfast,” he said.

“I can tell.” Arthur rolled onto his back.

“Let’s go eat it, shall we?” Merlin gave Arthur a kiss before climbing over him to get out of bed.

Arthur sat up and regretfully pushed back the covers, exposing his bare skin to the chill of the cabin. He hurried to get dressed, and he and Merlin joined Morgana and Gwen in the kitchen.

“How was the rest of karaoke?” Merlin asked, helping himself to a sip of Morgana’s tea.

“A little sloppy,” Gwen said.

There was an obvious opening for her or Morgana to ask about the rest of Merlin and Arthur’s night, but they didn’t take the bait. Instead, she and Morgana started arguing about whose playlist they were going to listen to for their ride back to campus.

After breakfast, there was one last committee meeting, and Arthur sat in on this one only to be roped into agreeing to continue helping Merlin with the next issue of the zine. Not that the first one had even been published yet, but the group wanted to get a head start.

When the meeting was finally done, everyone ran around cleaning up and packing for a hour, and then they all loaded back into the cars to start the ride back. Merlin, Arthur, and Lance got stuck in the backseat of Morgana and Gwen’s car and were treated to more bickering about music until they could finally come to an agreement on listening to the radio.

Merlin fell asleep on Arthur’s shoulder, which was kind of sweet.

Arthur spent most of the ride looking through all the photos he’d taken during his walk the day before. He was missing it already, that crisp air and all the trees.

He was selecting a few photos to share on social media when he got a text from a random number.

**Hey, do you want to get lunch sometime this week?**

Arthur stared at his mobile for a while, trying to think of anyone it could be besides Val. Unless it was a wrong number, which seemed implausible, it had to be him. He decided to respond.

**_Why?_ **

**Because I haven’t seen you around at all lately. Because term’s about to end and I figure we could hang out over holiday once we’re both back in London**

Val wanted to hang out in London?

More like Val wanted to fuck around over the holiday and didn’t have anyone else to ask.

Arthur put his mobile away and spent the rest of the ride watching out the window, grounded only by the weight of Merlin’s head on his shoulder.

~~~~~

The next afternoon found Arthur standing outside Val’s room, knocking on the door. He’d agreed to meet, and for some reason Val had invited him over instead of suggesting a more neutral location.

Val opened the door, smiling. “Come in,” he said, and Arthur stepped inside.

He could tell right away he’d made a mistake in agreeing to meet up with Val. He had thought maybe it would be better to cut his loses with Merlin and go back to Val where he had no more feelings and could truly do the ‘just sex’ thing. He had thought that would be for the best.

But looking at Val, he felt nothing but contempt. No attraction, no desire, not even a fondness for what they’d had. All he felt was a rush of frustration for letting himself get so far with Merlin that he had actually considered going back to Val.

He and Val didn’t belong together. Not even as friends with benefits. They didn’t care about each other enough to be friends.

“So—” Val started, but Arthur cut him off.

“I shouldn’t have come here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, whatever you’re proposing, I’m saying no. I don’t—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.”

“I just thought we could hang out,” Val said.

“Yeah, I’m still saying no. I’ll go. Um… I hope you’ve been well. I really do.” Arthur let himself out, closing the door behind him and leaning against it, heart pounding somewhere near his throat.

What was he doing?

He went back to his own room and laid down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

He didn’t know what he wanted.

He wanted things to go back to being easy with Merlin, no feelings, no romantic retreats, no almost blurting out ‘I love you’.

He didn’t know what he wanted.

He sat up, looking around his room for a distraction. The stack of zines still on his desk called out to him.

Arthur had been working his way through them over the past few weeks, and they had grown to be something like a source of comfort. They reminded him of Merlin.

He grabbed the zines and shoved them in his bag. He had to give them back to Merlin. He had to call the whole thing off. He had to stop doing this to himself. He was better off alone.

~~~~~

At that night’s AQ+ meeting, Arthur sat with Sophia and Vivian, listening to them whisper to each other throughout the meeting and letting that annoyance distract him from what he was about to do.

Merlin was sitting on a sofa with Lance and Gwen, and he kept glancing at Arthur, and Arthur hated it. He knew Merlin was expecting him to come back to his room after, to get naked, to fuck around like they always did. He hated knowing he was about to put an end to the whole thing.

The meeting dragged on for what felt like hours. Morgana had a full agenda of reviewing ideas from the retreat and taking votes on what the society should focus on next term. Arthur tried to imagine himself coming back to another AQ+ meeting after calling things off with Merlin. Would he still feel like he belonged? Would he be welcome, or would he be shut out? Would Merlin still want Arthur’s help with the next issue of the zine?

Morgana finally ended the meeting by wishing everyone a nice holiday, and then everyone loitered, saying goodbye to each other and making plans to meet up between terms. Arthur kept to himself, watching his new friends leave one by one, until only Morgana, Gwen, and Merlin were left.

They were discussing their plans for New Year’s Eve, trying to figure out if they could all meet up to celebrate the night together.

“Arthur, you’ll come, won’t you?” Gwen asked.

Arthur forced a smile. “Sure,” he lied.

Morgana gave him a look like she knew something was wrong, but Arthur ignored her. It wasn’t any of her business.

She and Gwen left shortly after that, giving hugs all around, and then Arthur was alone with Merlin.

“Want to head out?” Merlin asked, shrugging on his jacket.

“Um.” Arthur closed his eyes. A brilliant start.

He unzipped his bag and pulled out the pile of zines.

“Here,” he said, holding them out.

“Oh, I forgot all about these,” Merlin said, taking the stack. “Did you finish all of them?”

“Mostly.”

“What did you think? Do you want to talk as we—”

“No,” Arthur said. “I mean… I can’t. I—” Arthur sighed, and Merlin’s brow creased. “Look, I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.”

Merlin just stared at him.

“I’ve had a good time,” Arthur said. “And it’s not you. I just… I just can’t.”

“Oh,” Merlin finally said. “All right. Um.”

He looked sad, confused, and Arthur hated it. He hated making Merlin feel that way. He hated doing this, he hated cutting this joy out of his life.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, and he didn’t have anything else to say after that. There wasn’t anything left to say. He’d done it, and it was over.

He started for the door.

“Arthur,” Merlin called after him.

It took everything Arthur had to stop walking and turn back around.

They stared at each other for a long moment, something tearing itself to pieces in Arthur’s chest.

“Have a good holiday,” Merlin said, voice hollow.

“You, too,” Arthur said, and then he left. He walked quickly, pulling his jacket tighter around himself when he hit the cold outside air.

He made a beeline for his hall, went straight for his room and the shower, turning on the water as hot as he could get it. It burned, but he let it, and that pain was more manageable than the full-body ache he had from what he’d just done.

~~~~~

Arthur went home the next weekend, and he was more than ready for a break.

The holiday turned out to be quite boring, though. He met up with his old friends, which was nice, but they were all studying boring, practical things like finance or medicine. Not that he was any different in studying law, but he _felt_ different. He didn’t really have much in common with them anymore. None of them were queer. None of them had ever heard of a zine. None of them were into art. None of them could introduce him to new things, to thinking in new ways, to doing things he’d never done before.

He spent New Year’s Eve at a massive party feeling entirely alone.

In January, he signed up for a local art class. He didn’t tell Uther, and Uther didn’t ask where he was going or what he was doing or who he was with.

It was nice, though, doing something just for him, something that he really wanted. The teacher was good, and he grew more confident in his art, and he got to experiment with different drawing materials.

He always breathed a little easier after a class.

Morgana texted him on a routine basis, never about anything serious, but she was obviously concerned. She’d never been in touch so often before. Merlin must have told her what had happened. Arthur wasn’t interested in talking about it, though.

It turned out he didn’t have much of a choice. Their families got together for dinner one night close to the start of the next term. The meal was pleasant enough. Everyone mostly talked about how Morgana had finally gone and shaved half her head. It was a good look. Arthur did the washing up afterward, and Morgana cornered him in the kitchen.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” she said, leaning against the counter next to the sink.

“I haven’t,” Arthur said. He’d responded to all of her texts. Maybe not in the way she wanted, but he had done it.

“I’ve been inviting you round for weeks.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Busy with what?”

Arthur scrubbed at a particularly sticky spot on a plate. “I’m taking an art class.”

“Wow,” Morgana said after a pause. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re going against your dad for the first time. Good for you.”

“I’m not going against him. I’m just… doing something for myself.”

“For once.”

Arthur glared at her, and she glared right back.

“So,” she said when Arthur went back to the dishes, “you and Merlin.”

“Look—”

“You’re an idiot, did you know that?”

Arthur held a hand over her glass of wine, letting a sudsy drop of soapy water fall into it. Morgana rolled her eyes and dumped out the wine in the sink, adding the glass to the pile of dishes Arthur had to rinse.

“You were _so_ happy with him,” she said.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Will you still be coming to AQ+ meetings next term?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

“You should. He’s not mad at you, you know. I’m sure he’d still love your help with the zine.”

“Maybe.”

Morgana sighed. “You really don’t have to make this so difficult.”

“Probably not, but it’s a lot more fun this way.”

“Ha.”

Arthur sighed and set down the bowl he’d been washing. “You know it’s none of your business, right?”

“I just want you to be happy.”

“I can be perfectly happy alone.”

Morgana shook her head and walked off, leaving him to finish the washing by himself.

~~~~~

The first thing Arthur did when he returned to campus was find another local, non-uni art class he could take.

The second thing he did was check his mailbox. There were two things in it, a copy of the first issue of the AQ+ zine that had been printed over the holiday, and a note from Morgana saying she hoped he enjoyed it.

It was all he could do to wait until he was back in his room to look at it.

He sat at his desk and set it in his lap, taking a deep breath before opening it.

Merlin’s consent guide was the entire first half of the zine. His own illustrations were on every page, crisp and clear and entirely his. They looked good. They looked really good.

He read the rest of the zine, the poems, Sophia’s tarot reading, the short stories, the articles. He looked at the boudoir photos of Gwaine, which were a little on the cheesy side, but they were a nice touch. He pulled out a pen and did Lance’s crossword puzzle, which took most of the evening because he refused to cheat even though he didn’t know much about queer history.

When he had finished it, cover to cover, Arthur set it on end in the middle of his desk, on display. He was proud of it. He was proud of his art and his contributions to the editing and formatting. He was proud that other people would see this.

He decided he would continue going to AQ+ meetings, potential awkwardness with Merlin be damned.

~~~~~

The first AQ+ meeting of the term was mostly a celebration of the zine. The consent guide turned out to be quite popular, and everyone wanted to compliment Arthur on his art. There were so many different people to talk to that there almost wasn’t time to feel awkward about being around Merlin again.

For his part, Merlin simply smiled when Arthur came into the lounge at the beginning of the meeting, and that was that.

Arthur knew he should have felt relieved that there were no bad feelings between them, nothing to make it weird if Arthur continued coming to the meetings, but for some reason it still stung. It looked like Merlin was faring perfectly fine without Arthur. Arthur wasn’t sure the same could be said for him.

He went back to his room after the meeting ended, full of conflicting feelings about seeing Merlin again. He had hoped it would be easy, but as soon as Merlin had smiled at him, there’d been an ache in his chest, something like regret or longing or something else he should have moved past by now.

Part of Arthur wanted to crawl back to Val or maybe find someone new to hook up with, maybe that Gwaine bloke.

The rest of Arthur knew better. He would just end up in the same situation— _again_. He was better off alone, focusing on his studies, working on the next zine if possible, going to his art classes. He didn’t need to constantly be fucking someone, as nice as that felt. He could manage to be by himself.

~~~~~

The first week of term was going smoothly. Arthur was enjoying his classes, both academic and art, and he was feeling sort of free in his decision to stay single.

Then, on Friday after his morning class, he saw Merlin with someone. _With_ someone. They were in the cafe, sitting next to each other at a table, heads together, laughing over something. They were sitting so close, and they were clearly wrapped up in their own little world, and the sight made Arthur want to run.

Then the other guy shifted, looking up, and Arthur didn’t so much run as lurch his way out of the cafe.

Merlin was sitting with Elyan, Gwen’s brother. Arthur had met him a few times when he’d been hanging out with Gwen and Morgana, although it had been months since he’d seem him around.

Arthur’s imagination kicked into overdrive as he went back to his room, stomach painfully empty. Maybe Merlin had met Elyan over the break when he’d spent New Year’s with Gwen and Morgana. Well, he’d probably met Elyan before then. Maybe they’d been friends for a while. Maybe New Year’s Eve had turned it into more than friendship. Maybe Morgana and Gwen had been off in their own bubble, and Merlin and Elyan had got together. Maybe they’d spent their whole holiday together.

Arthur was spiralling by the time he reached his room. He sat on his bed and rested his face in his hands, trying to breathe, trying to remember that it didn’t matter, that he had no claim to Merlin, that he had been happy with his decision not to pursue anything with anyone this term.

He stood and went straight for his whisky, which probably wasn’t the best idea on an empty stomach, but he had the whole rest of the day to find food, and he needed something to take the edge off.

~~~~~

Several hours later, Arthur was drunk.

He’d got food at some point, but it hadn’t really helped, and now he was sprawled out on his bed, staring at the ceiling and ignoring the film he was playing on his laptop.

He knew he should phone Morgana. He knew he shouldn’t be left to his own devices.

But he didn’t want to face her. He didn’t want to admit that she was right, that he _had_ been happy with Merlin. He didn’t want to admit that he’d fucked everything up. He didn’t want to admit how hard he’d fallen and how stupidly that had made him act. He didn’t want to admit that he wanted Merlin, still wanted Merlin, would always want Merlin as long as he was around.

He was a mess.

His mobile rang at some point—it was Uther, probably calling to see how Arthur was settling in. He ignored it, turned his mobile on silent, and went back to his whisky.

~~~~~

In the morning, Arthur felt like shit.

He knew he had to face the day, though. He’d let himself have one night to drown in whisky and his self-pity, and now he had to pick himself back up and move on with his life.

He phoned his father.

“Arthur,” Uther answered cheerfully. “Did you get my message?”

“I—no,” Arthur said. “Did you leave one? I just saw your missed call.”

“I thought I did. No matter, I have good news for you. Do you remember my old friend Godwyn?”

“I think so.”

“I was speaking with him yesterday, and he said his practice might be open to hiring you on for the summer.”

Arthur supposed he should feel excited or grateful or something other a sense of dread. “Oh?”

“Yes, it’ll be good exposure for you before you start getting your hands dirty with grad school, don’t you think?”

“I suppose. What kind of law—”

“Mostly company law. They’re the biggest corporate firm in the city, I believe.”

“That’s…” Arthur cleared his throat. He couldn’t even muster up a lie, and he didn’t think it was because of his hangover. He was sick of this. He was sick of pretending to go along with what his father wanted. He was sick of never advocating for what _he_ wanted.

“Arthur?”

“Yeah. That’s really nice of him to offer that. I’m not sure I’m interested.” Arthur closed his eyes and waited for the backlash.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I… I’m more interested in… in human rights law.”

There was a long pause. “Arthur, that’s very sweet of you, but—”

“It’s not ‘sweet’ of me,” Arthur said. “It’s what I’m interested in. It’s what I want I do, it’s where I want to spend my time and my energy. I’m not interested in helping corporations—I want to help people. Real people who need real help.”

“Arthur,” Uther sighed. “You might feel that way now, but… there’s often very little money to be had in that sort of—”

“I don’t care.”

“Well, you should. You need to think about your future.”

This felt like the argument over art school all over again, but Arthur wasn’t going to back down this time. He wanted what he wanted, and no one could take that away from him or talk him out of it.

“I’m sorry if you don’t feel it’s a worthwhile effort,” he said, feeling strangely calm, “but it’s not up to you. I need to be able to make my own decisions, and this is the decision I’ve made.”

Uther scoffed. “You’re too young to make this sort of decision. You’re going to regret this.”

“Maybe. It’s not like I won’t have opportunities to change my mind in the future, but this is the path I’m choosing for right now.”

Uther sighed. “I wish you would just listen to reason.”

“And I wish you would just listen to me.”

“Arthur—”

“I’m not a child, dad. And I’m old enough to know that it’s worth it to invest time in the things I really love and that are important to me. I’ve been taking art classes. And I helped make a queer zine. And I don’t want to be a company lawyer.”

“What’s a zine?” Uther asked after a pause.

“It’s like a magazine, sort of, but smaller and… more specific, I guess. It’s like an independent magazine. I can send you a copy, if you’d like. I made some art for it.”

“I don’t understand what’s come over you.”

“Life,” Arthur said. “I just… I want to do what _I_ want to do. Is that so wrong?”

“No,” Uther said slowly. “I suppose it’s not.”

They fell into silence, and Arthur swallowed back a feeling of panic at what he had just done. He’d actually stood up to his father—and it had finally gone in his favour.

“Send me a copy of this magazine,” Uther finally said. “I’d like to see what you did.”

“I will. It’s a little… just try not to be too scandalised.”

Uther chuckled. “I’ve seen plenty in my day, I’m sure it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

Arthur smiled. “Thanks, Dad.”

“You know I love you, don’t you? I just want you to be happy.”

“I just want that, too.”

“Good. I suppose I’ll let you get on with your day, then,” Uther said.

“Thanks. I love you, too, Dad. Thanks for looking out for me.”

“Of course. Bye… treat yourself to a nice breakfast, will you? I’ll call you in a few weeks to figure out a time for me to come up and visit next month, all right?”

“All right,” Arthur said. “Bye.” He hung up and lay down on his bed, grinning uncontrollably.

That had gone better than it had had any right to.

Arthur let himself bask in it for a few minutes, and then he got up to get dressed and treat himself to that breakfast.

~~~~~

On his way back from breakfast, Arthur took the long way to his hall, enjoying the winter sun and crisp air. He winded his way along, not thinking of anything in particular, until he saw Merlin and Elyan sitting together on a bench, chatting away.

He did his best to ignore them and kept walking. It wasn’t any of his business. He had no right to be upset if Merlin had moved on—he’d been the one to break things off between them. Merlin was allowed to date whomever he pleased.

“Arthur! Hey!”

Arthur winced and turned to see Merlin waving him over.

Taking a deep breath, Arthur went over to the bench.

“Elyan and I were just brainstorming for the zine,” Merlin said. “He said we should interview some of the queer athletes on campus. I don’t really know much about that sort of thing, but I thought maybe you’d like to try something like that? I know it’s not art, but…”

Arthur couldn’t help but feel a little touched that Merlin had thought of him for the assignment. It was right up his alley, and Merlin knew that.

“Yeah,” he said. “That sounds great, actually.”

Merlin grinned up at him, and Arthur had to look away.

“I have to run,” Elyan said before Arthur could make his excuses to leave. “Supposed to meet Gwen and Morgana for brunch.”

“Good luck,” Merlin said.

Elyan laughed and stood. “See you around,” he said to Merlin and Arthur, and then he was on his way.

Arthur shifted, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking up at the sky.

“How have you been?” Merlin asked. “I didn’t get a chance to talk to you at the meeting on Monday. How was your holiday?”

“It was good,” Arthur said.

“Want to sit?” Merlin asked, moving over so there’d be even more room for Arthur on the bench.

Arthur sat, keeping his hands firmly in the pockets of his jacket. His elbow knocked against Merlin’s, and he scooted over, leaving ample space between them.

“Get up to anything fun?” Merlin asked.

“I took some art classes,” Arthur said. “I’m taking some up here now, too, actually.”

“That’s brilliant,” Merlin said, grinning.

“Yeah. It’s been a lot of fun, actually.”

“Good.”

Arthur couldn’t think of anything to say to that, and they sat for a slightly awkward quiet moment.

“So, you and Elyan…” Arthur finally said. He just wanted to let Merlin know he didn’t have a problem with it. He just wanted to not have a problem with it. He just wanted to be able to move on.

“What?”

“You and Elyan,” Arthur said again. “Did you get together over the holiday, or…”

“What?”

Arthur turned to look at Merlin, who was frowning. “What?”

“Elyan and I aren’t together.”

“Oh—” _Oh._ “I thought—oh. Sorry.” Arthur’s head was spinning.

“You think every person I spend time with is someone I’m sleeping with?”

Arthur could tell Merlin was teasing, but it still stung a little. He had gone down this exact same path with Merlin and Lance last term, and that had also turned out to be nothing but friendship.

“I just thought…”

“Elyan’s just a friend,” Merlin said. “And he’s straight, besides.”

“Oh. I just… I mean, it’s not like you ever talked about him last term or anything.”

“He was in France last term.”

“Oh. Right.” Arthur cleared his throat and stood. “Well, I should get going.”

“Wait.” Merlin stood as well, too close, and Arthur took a step back.

“What?” he asked.

“I just… it seems like there’s something more to be said.”

Arthur looked at Merlin. His cheeks were pink from the cold, and his lips looked chapped, and his eyes were bright under the blue sky, and his hair was a mess, and he looked beautiful.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said. “I’m sorry for ending things the way I did. I’m sorry for ending them at all, actually. I was trying really hard to be happy for you with Elyan, but, honestly, it’s a bit of a relief that you’re not with him.”

Merlin smiled, and hope sparked up Arthur’s spine.

“Can I ask why you did end things, if you didn’t want to?”

Arthur shrugged. “I thought we were just doing a friends with benefits thing, and I… well, I kind of fucked that up, and I thought I should just… cut my losses, I guess.”

Merlin shook his head, still smiling. “I was only going along with the friends with benefits thing because I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“How do you mean?”

“No offence, Arthur, but nothing about you really screams ‘emotional availability’. I was interested in more, but I didn’t want to scare you off. I thought it was better to have you in the way you wanted than to not have you at all.”

Arthur’s chest was full, bursting, and he was suddenly very warm. “Wait, so you’re… interested in me?”

Merlin chuckled and stepped closer, taking Arthur’s hands in his. “Yeah. Are you interested in me?”

“Very.”

“Then would you be interested in coming back to mine?”

“Also very.”

Merlin grinned and, keeping one of Arthur’s hands in his, led the way to his hall.

Arthur walked beside him and laced their fingers together, feeling happy in a way he hadn’t expected. He had ruined everything, and Merlin had just forgiven him like it was nothing, like he understood, like Arthur meant something to him.

As soon as they were in Merlin room, Arthur crowded Merlin against the door.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked.

“Please,” Merlin said, his smile breathtaking.

Arthur leaned in for a kiss, and Merlin pulled him in closer, wrapping his arms around his neck. He licked in Arthur’s mouth, and Arthur let himself get lost in it.

“Missed you,” Merlin murmured, getting his hands between them to undo Arthur’s flies.

“Missed you, too. A lot.” Arthur huffed as Merlin ducked down to kiss his neck. “So much.”

Merlin chuckled against Arthur’s skin before licking up to his ear. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Merlin pushed Arthur’s jeans and pants to the floor, and Arthur stepped out of them, kicking off his shoes as he pulled off his shirt. Merlin undressed quickly, and then Arthur was on him again, kissing him with everything he had.

“What do you want to do?” Merlin asked, reaching around to squeeze Arthur’s arse. “Anything you like.”

“I want—” Arthur licked his lips. “I want you to hold me down.”

Merlin’s eyebrows shot up. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I think I can do that.” He pushed away from the door, guiding Arthur over and onto the bed. He straddled Arthur’s thighs and thrust his hips, dragging the length of his cock along Arthur’s. Arthur grabbed hold of Merlin’s waist, encouraging him.

Merlin smirked and took Arthur’s wrists, slamming them down on the bed and holding them in place.

“Like this?” he asked, still rocking his hips.

Arthur cock throbbed, and he nodded, trying to move his hands. Merlin had him thoroughly pinned, though, and he bit back a groan.

“Yeah,” Merlin sighed, tossing his head back and putting his long neck on display. Arthur badly wanted to sit up and bite that delectable stretch of skin, to take Merlin apart, to ravish him and mark him as Arthur’s own.

But most of him wanted to stay where he was, held in place by Merlin’s strong grip and fully at Merlin’s mercy.

He was already close.

Merlin moved Arthur’s hands above his head and held them together with one hand, reaching between them with his other hand to jerk both their cocks at the same time. Arthur arched into it, moaning, and Merlin leaned down for a kiss.

“Good?” Merlin asked, and Arthur nodded before licking across Merlin’s lips and then into his mouth, sliding his tongue along Merlin’s and trying to think of anything other than the feeling of Merlin’s cock pressed against his own.

It didn’t take long for that to become and impossibility, though. Merlin was doing all the right things, and Arthur was pressing his hips up into it, and it felt so good, and he was losing control.

“Merlin,” he whispered. “I’m—”

“Me, too,” Merlin said. “Come on.”

The thought of Merlin being close, the thought of seeing his face and getting covered in his come, was too much, and Arthur bit his lip and groaned as it hit him. He arched up, coming all over himself and panting against Merlin’s lips.

Merlin stroked him through it, releasing his own cock in favour of focusing on Arthur’s, until Arthur started squirming from overstimulation. Merlin reached down to give his balls a fond little squeeze, and then he sat up, letting go of Arthur’s hands.

They stared at each other for a moment, Arthur still catching his breath. Then Arthur sat up, pushed Merlin onto his back, and took Merlin’s cock in his mouth. Merlin just gasped and grabbed loosely at Arthur’s hair, letting Arthur do what he wanted.

Arthur sucked roughly, knowing Merlin was already close, knowing it wouldn’t take much. He started moving his head, and Merlin came on an upstroke, moaning Arthur’s name. Arthur sucked him through it, pulling off only when Merlin’s grip on his hair tightened.

He sat up and looked down at Merlin, admiring the view of his flushed face and chest, the far-away look in his eyes, the easy smile on his lips.

“Come here,” Merlin said, and Arthur leaned down for a kiss.

They moved lazily against each other, Arthur’s come smearing between them, until Merlin pulled back and Arthur flopped onto his back. Merlin rested his head on Arthur’s shoulder, and Arthur grinned up at the ceiling, feeling light and happy and right.

“So… is this going to become a regular thing?” Merlin asked.

Arthur laughed. “I fucking hope so.”

“Yeah. Me, too.”

Arthur reached for Merlin’s hand and held it tightly. “So, I’m trying this new thing where I ask for what I want.”

“I noticed.”

“And… I’m not really sure if this is too soon, considering, but what I really want is for you to be my boyfriend.”

Merlin turned on his side to give Arthur a long kiss. “I want that, too.”

Arthur grinned and pressed another kiss to Merlin’s lips. “Good.”

“Anything else you want?” Merlin asked.

“There is one thing.”

“Yeah? What?”

“My dad. He’s coming up to visit some time next month. Would you… when he’s here, would you want to meet him?”

Merlin smiled, easy and simple. “I’d love to.”

Arthur pulled Merlin in for a hard kiss. “Thank you.”

Merlin went in for one more kiss and then sat up. “Come on,” he said, getting to his feet and holding out his hands. “Let’s wash off this mess.”

Arthur let Merlin pull him out of bed and into the shower.


End file.
